The Power of Tragedy

The more comfortable I get in my manual chair, the more bold I get when it comes to venturing outside and around the parking lot. I don't really like using my chest strap unless I absolutely have to which in many circumstances can be quite dumb. I've managed to go outside and make my way down the 15 foot ramp with a fair amount of ease and not much nervousness. Once in the parking lot however, the risk-taking goes up a notch or two.

This evening I went outside after dinner and made my way to the parking lot. I strolled up and down the asphalt careful to know my limitations and when the various levels and inclines surpassed my courage. Not only do I not have a chest strap but I have also taken off my lateral supports which means the only direction I cannot fall is backwards. I decided to make my way up the small hill, testing both my nerves and my courage, but not so much my physical capabilities. I am fully aware that I am able to complete the feat.

Once halfway up the hill I pulled into two empty spaces and sat there enjoying the night air and watching people pass me by. A car then pulled into a space not too far from my vicinity. It just so happened that a very cute blonde hopped out. The corners of my lips curled upwards and a twinkle in my eye appeared. I attempted to make solid eye contact but only got a passing glance. She slowly made her way up to the mailbox. A myriad of thoughts began to appear in my mind, as I gave myself a peptalk on what I should do. I surveyed the environment and discovered that I could push my way diagonally up the hill, to a small ramp and a sidewalk. There I could probably intersect her path and who knows? Possibly meet the woman of my dreams?

My heart rate increased and my breath quickened, and I suddenly realized that I did not have the courage to perform the maneuver. I once again attempted to make solid eye contact but my efforts were in vain. I had the sense that she looked at me out of the corner of her eye but I can't be sure. My presence definitely did not go unnoticed.

Slightly frustrated with myself, I decided to see if I could have made it over to the sidewalk if I wanted to. The risk factor would significantly increase, but I was feeling bold. I made my way up the hill no problem but as I approached the ramp things turned tricky. I made it to the handicap space and then turned my chair sideways to make my way towards the sidewalk. The pavement was rather uneven and I knew as I pushed forward my chair would begin to turn towards the left, either leading me into a curb or into a parked car. I decided to go for speed hoping that the momentum would keep me going straight and my right hand would guide the chair in the appropriate direction.

I gave a solid push and began to roll forwards. The chair began to slightly angle towards the left so I digged my right hand into the push rim, but the chair continued to go left straight for a curb. I flung my left arm behind me and hooked onto the push handle. I leaned to the right and used my bicep to grab ahold so I could turn away from the curb. Slowly the chair eased away from danger and I let out a sigh of relief as the chair angled towards the ramp, but an unexpected issue arose. My footplate suddenly hit a 2 inch lip in the ramp and my upper body went flying forward with my left arm still behind me. My chair stayed put but there I was fallen over in my lap and I couldn't get up.

Anxiety and panic, instantaneously emerged. I knew people were all around me but were not in my eyesight. I looked towards all the mailboxes and began to holler for help. "Help! I need help!" I continued to holler but no one was emerging to save me from my predicament. I looked to my left and saw a woman a hundred yards away walking down the sidewalk. "Excuse me! I need help!" I yelled, but she didn't even turn around and was gone. Then I looked up and saw a car pulling in. A woman emerged and I began to yell again. "Help! Mam! Could you help me!" Busy with her cell phone conversation she amazingly did not hear me. I continued to yell. Then almost out of sight she turned and began to look around. "Finally, someone heard me" I thought. As she began to piece together what was happening an Indian gentleman appeared out of nowhere with his young daughter. "I've fallen and I can't get up", I told him. He helped me up and my heart slowly stopped pounding and all anxiety turned to gratefulness. "Thank you so much", I said. He was a humble hero and did not say much but I was truly grateful. He helped me put my chest strap on and I made my way back down the hill and into the apartment.

I just got back from a last-minute trip that my parents and I took to Charlotte. My dad decided he needed to take care of some things at the house. At first I actually did not want to go, but it turned out to be a very refreshing trip. I got to see some friends who I have not seen in quite some time as well as many of my old neighbors. Seeing these people helped me to realize how far I've come since moving here to Atlanta and it also helped me to re-find my faith in my upcoming future. It seemed like everyone I talked to, had some little piece of advice to give me that gave me some clarification when it came to my current struggles. It was also very refreshing to hear people compliment me on how much stronger and healthier I look. Every once in a while it helps to get a boost from the observations of others.

A recent realization that sticks out in my mind currently, is that my present situation in life is probably one of the most hardest things I will ever have to face. Once I get through this portion of my life, almost everything else I will face in life will be nothing in comparison. It's rather uplifting to think about my future simmering down a little bit and not having quite so much to face every morning when I open my eyes to a new day.

Today is the four-year anniversary of my accident. This one hurts more than any other anniversary I've gone through so far. Four years just seems like such a long time. It seems kind of like a breaking point for me. Next month I'll be turning 25. When I was injured I was 20 years old, almost 21. I can't believe how fast time has flown by.

There is no doubt that I am making significant progress and my upcoming achievements concerning my physical recovery, seem inevitable. Yet, at the current time I'm feeling depressed and lonely. Throughout my life I've never quite felt like I belonged anywhere. I would reach a new place in life, and find it exciting and interesting for a while, but then suddenly just feel completely out of place and move on. I've yet to feel truly comfortable in Atlanta and over the past year the process of being here actually has not been all that easy for me.

I began to vent today about the peace, joy and bliss I am trying to attain and wonder if I am making any sort of progress. I constantly feel like I am processing, running into fears, and sometimes wish I could just have a little breathing room, a little comfort, a little support. It would be nice if I could completely accept where I am in life right now, on all levels, and just be content and happy. I'm constantly too hard on myself, focusing on my flaws, and all the things I don't have but wish I could. I'm always practicing the art of loving kindness and forgiveness for myself and all others, yet the practice seems to always remind me how far away I am from the goal. Instead of always trying to achieve perfection, maybe I should just accept my flaws, observe them, and live with them, instead of always trying to reach perfection. Many times I do accept my emotions, my flaws, and simply meditate on who I am at the moment, as a human. But this does not take away from the uncomfortable feeling of being alone and lost.

On the outside I seem to be a very happy person. I get along well with others and I am apparently enjoying my life, but many times on the inside I am afraid and hurting. But I do not wish to portray these feelings. I want to be a person who uplifts the energy of the room and spreads a feeling of joy. I know that I'm not being fake when I'm out and about, but many times when I come back home and I'm alone is when the fear strikes me.

I'm venting a great deal here. It has been awhile since I've opened up my heart on this blog and discussed my insecurities. To be honest, the thought of recovery even scares me. I don't even know if major recovery is going to bring me the peace I seek. Recovery is going to bring me a whole new set of fears to face. I sound like a mental case here. I could rack my brain and find all the reasons why I should feel love, joy and peace but right now I just don't feel like it. I feel like being sad. I feel like thinking about the things I want but don't have. I feel like thinking about loneliness. I feel like thinking about the fact that I do not have a clue as to what I should do, how I should feel, or what this all means. Because frankly, this is life. This is my life, and my life is going to have constant phases.

I'm a nice guy, always been one, but throughout my life I've always wondered if there was any truth to the saying that "nice guys finish last". I hesitate to pour my heart out on this one, because it is kind of an embarrassing subject, but I will give it a go. In high school, I was pretty much terrified of girls. Even if I knew a girl liked me, and I liked her back, I would pretty much not do anything about it until the whole situation blew over. Then I would beat up on myself and to God, for nothing happening, even though it was completely my fault. In college I grew slightly braver and slightly handsomer, but found myself to be very picky when it came to girls. If I was not completely head over heels in love with her, than I wouldn't really bother. If I was head over heels in love, it was so terrifying and horrific of an experience I felt like I couldn't handle it.

It seems that this horrific experience is actually what we are all looking for. Those of us who are single anyways. To find someone who completely horrifies us to the point where the anticipation of being in their presence is so overwhelming, we feel as if we might pass out. Where not being with this person aches inside and no experience can fill the void of being with them. To find a love where their absence hurts so much, that when you actually get to be with them the skies open up and the adrenaline filled feeling of joy cannot be explained. To hold them in your arms and feel your heart racing and blood rushing to every inch of your body. Staying up till the wee hours of the morning, sharing your life, pouring out your heart, while looking into the eyes of something infinite and unexplainable.

The vision sounds so intense and wonderful at the same time. Yet how often does an experience such as this come along in a lifetime? Maybe once, maybe twice, maybe never. I find myself so engrossed with the idea of this kind of love, but maybe I am off the mark, and not quite getting what it means to be single and dating. Maybe I'm not such a nice guy after all. Maybe I am actually judgemental, pushing aside all other options because I want the perfect girl.

I'm sure there has been tons of research and books written on the subject of how to get women. I grow quite sick of trying to figure it out and I would like to believe that the old adage of "just be yourself" really works. I'm not so sure anymore. I don't find myself to be the typical guy. I am sorry to say, but I am very in touch with my emotions, I'm sensitive, I enjoy talking about feelings, and yes I actually enjoy listening. But do women really want these attributes in a man? Do I need to hide how nice a person I am? Would women possibly rather have a man who is more of a challenge?

I have to admit, even I enjoy a challenge. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't date much, because I always go after women who in all likelihood I won't be able to attain? So maybe I should develop the same persona. The mysterious guy who women can't quite figure out. The guy who could be nice, or maybe not. The guy who is confident and handsome, and has the potential to be everything a girl ever wanted, yet could have a dark side.

Once again I sit here, and patiently wait for what I feel taking place inside my body to come to fruition. To manifest in glorious splendor, and find myself moving in ways that I have only dreamed of over the past four years. A week ago I arrived back in Atlanta after a two-week stay in Austin, Texas visiting Francis the healer each day during the week. Once again I was blown away by the powerful healing energy that coursed through my veins day by day. Once again I was awestruck by the feeling of divine peace coming down in blankets of warm radiance over my head and into my heart.

This time felt different, as if I had reached a steppingstone and some sort of divine decision had been made. After several days I could feel the weight of the energy pressing down on me and absorbing into my aura. Knowing that I would be getting much more healing than usual I did my best to rest and absorb all I could before the next day of healing. Simply speaking, it was very intense.

Since arriving home my head has been feeling stuffy and I seem to be floating around as if in a daze. It feels like my head has been surrounded by clouds and I'm not quite able to grasp reality, yet the days are passing by and I am interacting with 100% normalcy. I have been working out as best I can, and I'm feeling an improvement in strength but I feel as if I grow tired quickly and lethargy hits me quite often.

I have been growing quite antsy lately as a surge of energy flows through me and all of my thought processes tell me that recovery is occurring and great gains are on the horizon. Yet I hesitate to allow myself to fester in the excitement because I do not want to get caught up in expectations. When it comes down to it, no matter what I feel inside of me, I cannot know how or when the healing which I can feel occuring, will actually manifests into visible gains of improvement. Unfortunately, I not only question myself concerning how and when, but sometimes, every once in a while, the question of "if" appears.

Rarely do I think in the terms of "if" my recovery will occur and even more rarely do I actually speak in such terms. It is very hard for me to imagine myself not recovering at this moment. I ask myself how could such powerful feelings and awareness of sensations flowing through my body, be leading my faith in the wrong direction? It just does not seem possible that all I am observing happening inside of me, will not one-day manifest into the recovery I dream of.

Patience, I continue to practice. The virtue which I have been practicing day after day since my injury, once again falls into the lesson plan of my life. Since my injury I have always felt like there have been many lessons which I am meant to learn before I am blessed by God with the miracle of walking again. It became very clear to me once I realized that instantaneous recovery was not going to occur. It was hard for me to see and realize that there were many things I needed to face before I could walk again. I saw these demons circling around me and I could barely look at them let alone stand against them and diminish what they represented in my life. As time has passed by the vanishing of these demons has almost seemed like a naturally flowing process, something that was meant to occur as I make my way towards the destiny of walking again.

Last weekend I went through a mini identity crisis. Looking back on it seems like it was a phrase I was going through as I was shifting through various energies and heading down my course of healing. Every once in awhile I further realize that the healing I'm undergoing is not simply physical but the spiritual and mental aspects are playing a large role. I am not trying to recover from a simple broken bone or a torn ligament. I'm trying to rebuild my entire nervous system something that the medical establishment has generally stated as impossible. I know however that when it comes to healing, nothing is impossible. But, in order to achieve what I'm trying to achieve, I'm having to attack this injury on a very holistic level realizing that every part of my being plays a role in my bodily function. Therefore I must discover harmony on all levels, spiritually, mentally, and physically. This seems like a huge responsibility to undertake but on the contrary I feel like it is happening naturally, as if it is meant to occur.

Last weekend, as a rush of sensations were flowing through my body, and my mental state was anything but calm, I felt the complete loss of knowing who I was. I've stated many times in this blog, that I'm not Colin, I am not this material body, but I am a spirit of God. This realization has helped me a great deal in my life, but it suddenly left me with a great dilemma. Knowing that I am God, brings comfort, but sometimes God just seems like a huge question mark. I am not always able to grab a hold of God and discover who I am. When I try and fall back on my human identity, it seems like an illusion.

I'm now discovering the mistake I have been making. I have been separating my identity on this earth and my spirit as two different categories. I now realize that my identity as Colin, is as much a part of God, as the Spirit which it contains. Colin, is the expression my spirit has created for God on earth. There is no difference between my spirit and my identity. It's all God. So instead of seeing my material identity as an illusion I must also love this expression of my spirit as I love the true form within.

I now realize I do not have to always view my surroundings as one form, one mystery that I must realize. I can observe my surroundings and appreciate each unique form as an individual expression of divine presence all around us. I can embrace who I am because my spirit has made a choice to express itself in this form, in this life. Before I came to this earth I chose to be who I am, so therefore I can embrace who I am and realize that I am an individual, separate from all else, here to express myself in my own unique way.

I am now experiencing a breakdown of the split identity I formed between my identity and my spirit. As the two merged together as one I sensed a divine peace in my surroundings that I've not felt in quite some time. I spent the day with my parents at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens. Shapes and colors jumped out at me with such clarity and vividness, that I could not help but sense something magical taking place. Each moment felt like I was right where I was supposed to be and nothing was out of place. I realized the individual expressions of God all around me while at the same time realizing the connectedness of everything and everyone. I find it almost impossible to describe what it's like to enter this sacred place where everything blends together and you're no longer struggling for something to hold onto. It is a place where the power of the present moment is illuminated, and your entire surroundings begin to pulse, and breathe with a harmonious rhythm which soothes the soul and heals the heart.

There is a thing called the ego, which I define as a false sense of identity. This false identity expresses itself when the spirit goes unrealized. It is necessary to be aware of ego so that one can discover when they are straying from their spirit. But it seems that the pendulum can also swing in the opposite direction, a place where I found myself lost, trying to forget about my identity altogether. This is not currently possible because I'm a human being and as a human being I have a responsibility to carry out the duties I am meant to perform. Therefore I must accept and love who I represent on this earth, and do the best I can to express myself through the beauty of a divine spirit which I cannot fully understand. I may not understand what the true spirit really is, but through gentle precision and awareness, I can enter a divine place where understanding is simply experienced. In this sacred place I'm free to be who I am, without shame and without fear.

In summary my current understanding includes:

-I am a human being with form and identity.

-This form and identity is an expression of God, my spirit.

-The human ego can sometimes get in the way of true spiritual expression.

-It is our purpose to overcome ego and allow the Spirit to express its true form.

Why am I here? Where am I going? What is my purpose here? Am I making the right decisions? Is everything under control? Do I have free will and am I using it appropriately?

All of these questions and never will I find any of the answers. Time and time again I can read and I can meditate but never will I reach a point where I can answer these questions and know that I am right. Time and time again I will always come back to the beginning and realize that I know nothing at all. It is very frustrating for me at times to know that there is so much going on around me and that nothing is what it seems to be. As a human in my current mental state I look around, judge my situations and perceive my life in certain ways but it is nowhere near an accurate depiction of true reality. All these things are happening around me and I have no awareness of what it is. It's as if my awareness of God brings about a complete state of confusion, because I have absolute faith that He is there yet have no understanding of what He is.

At times I feel lost and alone as I look around me and observe people going about their lives. As I observe I sense something large and magnificent taking place, and nobody else seems to notice, so I feel alone. Then in my loneliness, I try and grasp what it is that I sense so that I may feel at peace. I suddenly realize that I have no idea what it is that I'm aware of and I feel lost. Confusion overcomes me as I realize that I'm stuck between two places. The place where I am completely absorbed in the illusion of attachment to the material identity of myself and the place place where I have an understanding of who I really am. Not being absorbed in illusion and still not knowing who I really am I feel as if I am hanging in space with nothing to hold on to.

Not having anything to hold onto may be exactly where I need to be. Knowing that I cannot fully understand the true meaning of my life, I attach myself to nothing, freeing my spirit to just be. But as I hang in space with nothing to grab ahold of, I am still flailing my arms around desperately seeking something to grab. Instead I must let my hands and feet relax and dangle in space, and simply float with the rhythm of wherever it is that I am. I am not there right now however. Right now I look around me and I feel scared. Scared because no matter what I do, I'll never really know what is happening to me and what it all means.

So do I give up? Do I throw in the towel and stop looking around trying to make sense of it all? The answer of course is no. No because as I continue to look around within and with out, in one instant, one fragment of time a flash of light can occur and I will know. I will not know so that I can write down and explain. But I will know in a way that needs no explanation, for God cannot be understood through knowledge. He can only be experienced. So therefore, I continue to open my eyes as wide as I can and let everything around me and within me absorb into the core of my being. I experienced this life, the confusion, the fear and anything else which may arise. Always knowing that even if I can not understand, the purpose is there.

I'm not sure where all this is coming from. Even the things that I'm writing now don't make sense to me. I've been in a state of frustration lately. I feel myself recovering slowly but surely, but so far no independence has occurred and I'm starting to feel my life pass me by. Even though so much growth has occurred since my injury and I've learned so much, in many ways I've been lazy. I have constantly been waiting on recovery to start living my life. I have found a great deal of peace over the past few years, but this inner peace has not resulted in a state of happiness. Happiness is fleeting, and just another emotion which comes and goes in life, but it is one emotion I wish I could feel more often. I'm tired of finding peace in fear, peace in confusion, and peace in suffering. I would like to know what it feels like to be unbelievably, ridiculously happy.

Knowing that deep down I am not all that happy, I wonder what the smile means which I flash to people on a daily basis. Am I being fake, just giving people what they would like to see? I don't think so. I think my persona comes from a state of joy that I feel. A contentment that I am here experiencing something mysterious and magical, and the gratefulness of just being alive. Or possibly I am just being hard on myself, and I'm much happier than I think I am.

Who knows? Processing my thoughts has not been easy for me lately. I've been bombarded with all these questions that are swirling around in my mind like a tornado never settling down so that I can clear away the wreckage and make meaning of it all. At the same time there seems to be a great deal of energetic shifts occurring in my body. I feel as if I am taking on more oxygen and my brain and lungs haven't quite figured out what to do with it yet. I feel anxiety over come me wanting to jump up and run around the block. My legs feel as if they want to move in every which way, but straps seem to be holding them down. I feel tightening sensations in my trunk and upper body as if they want to come alive as well.

Over and over again I feel as if miraculous recovery is about to occur. I told myself that this time I would just observe and be thankful for what is happening. I would not set myself up for disappointment thinking that something major was about to happen only to discover that I became a little bit stronger. But something is happening to me. Something which I cannot explain. Whatever it is, I am grateful.

It seems like this is the first time in awhile that I have expressed a great deal of frustration. It is hard for me to admit that I am lost without any answers. This usually happens when I come down to a battle of free will versus destiny. What is it that I have control over and what is just meant to be? What is it that I'm supposed to do, and what is it that I just need to let go of? Is life just a screenplay that has already occurred and I'm just sitting in the movie theater watching? Maybe life is a dream which I am actually controlling without even realizing it. Maybe everything which happens in my life is actually being created by me this very second. Maybe if I knew how, I could create everything I ever wanted. But what is it that I truly want?

I have been meditating on thoughts concerning letting go and what letting go means. It began as an external process, letting go of things in my life which I hold on tightly to and try and control. I realized once again that most aspects of my life I cannot control. I have my desires and wants, but for the most part all I can do is my best and then accept the rewards which come my way, even if they are not the rewards I expected. The thing with desires is that what we think we want usually isn't what we want at all and once we get what we want we realize it's either not what we wanted or not what we expected so we want something else. We are constantly striving to achieve that one thing which we desire but are only left chasing one desire after another.

I think the truth is that we never really know what exactly it is that we want, so it is impossible to strive after something so unsure, so uncertain. That's why it is best to want only that which occurs or is meant for us to receive. But I will be the first to admit that it is not possible to completely rid ourselves of desires, hopes, and dreams. If we did not have these things what reason would we have to act each day and move forward towards a destination. Yet it is important to understand that as we move forward, creating wants and desires, that the end result will not be what we expected, or what we wanted, but it will be something created that was meant for us to create. Therefore we should feel blessed and grateful to receive the fruits of our actions, for we can be certain that it is something needed in our life in order to fulfill our ultimate purpose. We can work with life instead of against it.

As I went through the process of understanding letting go I further realized while dictating in my personal journal that letting go is actually not an external process at all but more of an internal one. I do not need to let go of people, places and things but I need to let go of myself. I need to let go of the self that believes I deserve specific circumstances. The self that tries to control and formulate aspects of life because I believe it is what is meant to occur. The self that believes he should be loved by everyone, granted all desires, and liberated from all suffering. I must let go of "me" and embrace a gentle understanding, and loving appreciation for all which occurs in my life. The tears, the anger, the gifts, the joys, the trials, the confusion, the laughter and the love. I need to step outside of the "me" and become a gentle observer on the outside looking in, softly touching all that arises in my life with a tender understanding that every moment is a divine, God created miracle.

Life is a magically orchestrated plan, put in place at the birth of creation where each and everyone of us is playing a role. With this in mind, one can step back and discover a divine love for everything which encompasses the journey of life. All the emotions, all the actions, and all circumstances can be looked upon as the manifestation of a miracle. In so letting go of "me" does not involve becoming a rock and shedding off all disappointments, walking around with a suit of armor. Instead you shed the pieces of armor away, and let life hit you right in the heart, right in the place you thought you always had to protect.

I feel I've always had a very open heart. I freely give it away and open myself up to others. My problem is that my open-heart comes along with expectations and a sense that my heart deserves something. The controlling self quickly comes into the picture needing, wanting, and envisioning a reality that doesn't exist. Instead I must open my heart and and let accurate reality, the pure moment, receive my heart without attachments. As soon as the me becomes involved, controlling, conniving to get a certain reality to occur, it is time to step back and once again let the miracle of divine manifestation take place.

One situation which I have been holding onto with a firm grip has been the vision I have of my recovery. It is a fact that I'm going to walk again but I discovered that I'm forgetting to be grateful for all the blessings I am receiving along the way. I recently have had a surge of strength. I consistently have these moments were I feel physically sick, almost flu like, and then I suddenly feel better and a surge of strength takes place. I always half expect muscles to suddenly wake up and to come flying to my feet. Instead I get an overall feeling of stabilization, more muscle tightness, and more feeling of energy flow. I've been so focused on becoming this miracle boy that when I see the improvement I shrug it off and complain about the slowness.

I cannot forget to remember how blessed I am to be in the position I am in. To come as far as I have come, to have the destiny, and even the opportunity to recover and feel the earth beneath my feet again. I am probably three to four times stronger now than I was a year ago yet I so easily forget this statement because of expectations of a miraculous recovery. I do believe that tremendous recovery is destined for my future, but this does not take away from the beautiful moments where I feel the internal healing taking place and small steps of improved strength along the way. Every moment is a miracle, every moment is beautiful and nothing which happens in our life should be considered ordinary.

The beginning of March is here and in so the warm sunshine of spring peers through the window pane. As I feel the warm sun on my face and notice the crisp, cool wind transforming into a comfortable breeze, I feel the rejuvenation of life in my veins. My energy and my motivation reaches a new level and I look toward the coming months with great hope and determination. I feel a sudden urge to break through the confinements of my small apartment, face my fears and seek out the many adventures which lay at my fingertips.

Winter so easily sneaks up on me and seems to tie me down with ropes and twine. Without even realizing it my mind is muffled, my heart restricted, and my exuberance muted. Then in another instant, spring sneaks in through the back door and I feel a rebirth occurring as if I'm coming out of my winter cocoon to face the world again.

My social life has suffered a great blow since my injury. I blame much of this on my lack of independence and the many limitations I suffer from because of my disability. The limitation which always speaks loudly in my realm of fear is my inability to drain my bladder. At this point I pretty much rely on my dad always being there when I need him to help me release the fluids. This unfortunately does not allow me to be anywhere by myself for any long period of time. My fellow more experienced spinal cord injuries will tell me that it is possible for me to learn how to do it on my own and I feel a sense of guilt thinking that maybe I am holding myself back. Then I think through my circumstances and I foresee all the complications and aggravations. Many spinal cord injuries will undergo treatments of medication or various surgeries in order to have independence in this area. I however refuse to do so because of my vision of recovery.

Nevertheless, despite my challenges and barriers, spring has once again brought forth a motivation to do things, meet people, and see new places every chance I get. At this point that may involve dragging mom and dad along or limiting the scope of my adventurous vision because of my physical limitations but I can be certain that these modifications are not permanent. One day I will be able to head out the front door on my own, one man, one individual, facing the world alone.

Recovery, how is the recovery going? Such a wonderful question and I wish I had a wonderfully answer. There is definitely things happening, this I can say for sure. I can feel it physically whether it be pulses of energy flowing down my legs, feeling tightness in my quads, burning sensations in my chest or noticing a sensation of strength in my scapular muscles. There's also a sense of knowing within my spirit urging me to be patient, have faith, and to expect a grand reward for my diligence and dedication. I can sense these things and I can feel it in my body, however I've yet to see as much as I sense and as much as I feel.

I am of course excited and encouraged by the strengthening I'm undergoing and all that I can feel occurring, but at the same time I do get discouraged wanting to see the benefits of all the healing that is happening. As of right now my parents are doing practically the same amount of work taking care of me that they were doing two years ago. In my mind it is time to release them of atleast some of these burdens. It is time for me to realize myself as an individual once again and break free of the binds which hold me down.

It is only been two weeks since I saw Francis last yet I already feel the healing energy shifting and attempting to make major changes. I feel like my trunk and shoulder muscles are finally beginning to connect with one another. When I pull down my shoulder blade I can actually feel the muscles connecting through my mid back, down into the lower parts, and into the glute muscles. It is not quite as obvious but I also feel this connection between my chest muscles, abdominals, and my hip flexors.

There is a crossing pattern which Sue Leger, at CenterIMT, is always impressing upon me as very important. It is basically the pattern of walking which most of us use on a daily basis without even realizing it. It is also used in all the movements which one makes throughout the day. Muscles are never used in isolation and are always involved in a pattern of muscular movements which have been stored within the spinal cord and brought to life through the miracle of consciousness with practically no effort at all. When I practice this pattern I pull my right shoulder blade down and then tighten my left glute. I then pull my left shoulder blade down and tighten my right glute. I do the same in the front, tightening my right chest muscle and pulling my left knee up. Tightening my left chest muscle and pulling my right knee up.

When I imagine my ideal recovery I usually picture muscles suddenly coming back to life with 100% strength. I'd wake up in the morning and suddenly I would have my chest muscles, or my rhomboids or my lats would kick in. This has not been the case however, and when I feel recovery occurring it seems to be spread out over my entire body, increasing the strength of patterned movements. This does not result in sudden functional movement but I feel a stronger connection to all parts of my body. I believe that this type of recovery I'm experiencing provides great hope for the future, because it ensures that my healing is not going to involve some muscles here and there coming back to life, but a restoration of all body systems, returning me to a normal state of human functioning.

I of course do not need to get overly analytical concerning exactly how my recovery is going to occur. I know what's going to happen so therefore I should simply focus on the changes that are happening now and have gratitude for the changes. I have very high excitations for my future recovery and so sometimes I forget to be thankful for all the little changes along the way. There is no doubt that over the past couple of weeks I've seen increased strength in my upper body and trunk muscles. In sitting I am beginning to be able to support myself with one hand while doing various movements with the other. I'm also starting to work on actually moving my body around with my arms on a flat surface. The potential for doing this can definitely be seen although I have not accomplished the feat as of yet.

As a big fan of Buddhism I stray from the ideals when speaking of my recovery. According to Buddhism one should live in the moment and realize that the future cannot be known for certain. I've struggled with this in the past because I believe that many times you must know something is going to occur in order to create it. Yet I also know that the future is greatly unknown and trying to pick how future events are going to occur can lead to much suffering. Through my experiences I've come to realize that there are future experiences which we can have faith will occur but it is not up to us to pick and choose what to have faith in and what not. Faith is something that you must seek out and find, and suddenly you'll find faith finds you. Then something that was once so hard to believe in, becomes quite easy.

It was once very hard for me to believe that I was going to recover. But with courage and determination I stepped out of my front door and began to search for the possibilities. Over time as my search continued a tiny seed of faith within began to grow and flourish. Through my search and dedication I found the faith which I had been looking for. It's quite possible that I could have found faith in something completely different than my recovery but God has blessed me with the path which I was seeking along.