The Power of Tragedy

Spiritual Expresson

Sun, 11 May 2008 02:00:10 GMT

Last weekend I went through a mini identity crisis. Looking back on it seems like it was a phrase I was going through as I was shifting through various energies and heading down my course of healing. Every once in awhile I further realize that the healing I'm undergoing is not simply physical but the spiritual and mental aspects are playing a large role. I am not trying to recover from a simple broken bone or a torn ligament. I'm trying to rebuild my entire nervous system something that the medical establishment has generally stated as impossible. I know however that when it comes to healing, nothing is impossible. But, in order to achieve what I'm trying to achieve, I'm having to attack this injury on a very holistic level realizing that every part of my being plays a role in my bodily function. Therefore I must discover harmony on all levels, spiritually, mentally, and physically. This seems like a huge responsibility to undertake but on the contrary I feel like it is happening naturally, as if it is meant to occur.

Last weekend, as a rush of sensations were flowing through my body, and my mental state was anything but calm, I felt the complete loss of knowing who I was. I've stated many times in this blog, that I'm not Colin, I am not this material body, but I am a spirit of God. This realization has helped me a great deal in my life, but it suddenly left me with a great dilemma. Knowing that I am God, brings comfort, but sometimes God just seems like a huge question mark. I am not always able to grab a hold of God and discover who I am. When I try and fall back on my human identity, it seems like an illusion.

I'm now discovering the mistake I have been making. I have been separating my identity on this earth and my spirit as two different categories. I now realize that my identity as Colin, is as much a part of God, as the Spirit which it contains. Colin, is the expression my spirit has created for God on earth. There is no difference between my spirit and my identity. It's all God. So instead of seeing my material identity as an illusion I must also love this expression of my spirit as I love the true form within.

I now realize I do not have to always view my surroundings as one form, one mystery that I must realize. I can observe my surroundings and appreciate each unique form as an individual expression of divine presence all around us. I can embrace who I am because my spirit has made a choice to express itself in this form, in this life. Before I came to this earth I chose to be who I am, so therefore I can embrace who I am and realize that I am an individual, separate from all else, here to express myself in my own unique way.

I am now experiencing a breakdown of the split identity I formed between my identity and my spirit. As the two merged together as one I sensed a divine peace in my surroundings that I've not felt in quite some time. I spent the day with my parents at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens. Shapes and colors jumped out at me with such clarity and vividness, that I could not help but sense something magical taking place. Each moment felt like I was right where I was supposed to be and nothing was out of place. I realized the individual expressions of God all around me while at the same time realizing the connectedness of everything and everyone. I find it almost impossible to describe what it's like to enter this sacred place where everything blends together and you're no longer struggling for something to hold onto. It is a place where the power of the present moment is illuminated, and your entire surroundings begin to pulse, and breathe with a harmonious rhythm which soothes the soul and heals the heart.

There is a thing called the ego, which I define as a false sense of identity. This false identity expresses itself when the spirit goes unrealized. It is necessary to be aware of ego so that one can discover when they are straying from their spirit. But it seems that the pendulum can also swing in the opposite direction, a place where I found myself lost, trying to forget about my identity altogether. This is not currently possible because I'm a human being and as a human being I have a responsibility to carry out the duties I am meant to perform. Therefore I must accept and love who I represent on this earth, and do the best I can to express myself through the beauty of a divine spirit which I cannot fully understand. I may not understand what the true spirit really is, but through gentle precision and awareness, I can enter a divine place where understanding is simply experienced. In this sacred place I'm free to be who I am, without shame and without fear.

In summary my current understanding includes:

-I am a human being with form and identity.

-This form and identity is an expression of God, my spirit.

-The human ego can sometimes get in the way of true spiritual expression.

-It is our purpose to overcome ego and allow the Spirit to express its true form.

Who knows? Maybe I've got it this time. Unlikely. Even death brings no final destination. Creation, manifestation, and the never-ending search for God. Without it, maybe God wouldn't exist at all?

Lost in Space and Venting

Sun, 04 May 2008 20:04:51 GMT

Why am I here? Where am I going? What is my purpose here? Am I making the right decisions? Is everything under control? Do I have free will and am I using it appropriately?

All of these questions and never will I find any of the answers. Time and time again I can read and I can meditate but never will I reach a point where I can answer these questions and know that I am right. Time and time again I will always come back to the beginning and realize that I know nothing at all. It is very frustrating for me at times to know that there is so much going on around me and that nothing is what it seems to be. As a human in my current mental state I look around, judge my situations and perceive my life in certain ways but it is nowhere near an accurate depiction of true reality. All these things are happening around me and I have no awareness of what it is. It's as if my awareness of God brings about a complete state of confusion, because I have absolute faith that He is there yet have no understanding of what He is.

At times I feel lost and alone as I look around me and observe people going about their lives. As I observe I sense something large and magnificent taking place, and nobody else seems to notice, so I feel alone. Then in my loneliness, I try and grasp what it is that I sense so that I may feel at peace. I suddenly realize that I have no idea what it is that I'm aware of and I feel lost. Confusion overcomes me as I realize that I'm stuck between two places. The place where I am completely absorbed in the illusion of attachment to the material identity of myself and the place place where I have an understanding of who I really am. Not being absorbed in illusion and still not knowing who I really am I feel as if I am hanging in space with nothing to hold on to.

Not having anything to hold onto may be exactly where I need to be. Knowing that I cannot fully understand the true meaning of my life, I attach myself to nothing, freeing my spirit to just be. But as I hang in space with nothing to grab ahold of, I am still flailing my arms around desperately seeking something to grab. Instead I must let my hands and feet relax and dangle in space, and simply float with the rhythm of wherever it is that I am. I am not there right now however. Right now I look around me and I feel scared. Scared because no matter what I do, I'll never really know what is happening to me and what it all means.

So do I give up? Do I throw in the towel and stop looking around trying to make sense of it all? The answer of course is no. No because as I continue to look around within and with out, in one instant, one fragment of time a flash of light can occur and I will know. I will not know so that I can write down and explain. But I will know in a way that needs no explanation, for God cannot be understood through knowledge. He can only be experienced. So therefore, I continue to open my eyes as wide as I can and let everything around me and within me absorb into the core of my being. I experienced this life, the confusion, the fear and anything else which may arise. Always knowing that even if I can not understand, the purpose is there.

I'm not sure where all this is coming from. Even the things that I'm writing now don't make sense to me. I've been in a state of frustration lately. I feel myself recovering slowly but surely, but so far no independence has occurred and I'm starting to feel my life pass me by. Even though so much growth has occurred since my injury and I've learned so much, in many ways I've been lazy. I have constantly been waiting on recovery to start living my life. I have found a great deal of peace over the past few years, but this inner peace has not resulted in a state of happiness. Happiness is fleeting, and just another emotion which comes and goes in life, but it is one emotion I wish I could feel more often. I'm tired of finding peace in fear, peace in confusion, and peace in suffering. I would like to know what it feels like to be unbelievably, ridiculously happy.

Knowing that deep down I am not all that happy, I wonder what the smile means which I flash to people on a daily basis. Am I being fake, just giving people what they would like to see? I don't think so. I think my persona comes from a state of joy that I feel. A contentment that I am here experiencing something mysterious and magical, and the gratefulness of just being alive. Or possibly I am just being hard on myself, and I'm much happier than I think I am.

Who knows? Processing my thoughts has not been easy for me lately. I've been bombarded with all these questions that are swirling around in my mind like a tornado never settling down so that I can clear away the wreckage and make meaning of it all. At the same time there seems to be a great deal of energetic shifts occurring in my body. I feel as if I am taking on more oxygen and my brain and lungs haven't quite figured out what to do with it yet. I feel anxiety over come me wanting to jump up and run around the block. My legs feel as if they want to move in every which way, but straps seem to be holding them down. I feel tightening sensations in my trunk and upper body as if they want to come alive as well.

Over and over again I feel as if miraculous recovery is about to occur. I told myself that this time I would just observe and be thankful for what is happening. I would not set myself up for disappointment thinking that something major was about to happen only to discover that I became a little bit stronger. But something is happening to me. Something which I cannot explain. Whatever it is, I am grateful.

It seems like this is the first time in awhile that I have expressed a great deal of frustration. It is hard for me to admit that I am lost without any answers. This usually happens when I come down to a battle of free will versus destiny. What is it that I have control over and what is just meant to be? What is it that I'm supposed to do, and what is it that I just need to let go of? Is life just a screenplay that has already occurred and I'm just sitting in the movie theater watching? Maybe life is a dream which I am actually controlling without even realizing it. Maybe everything which happens in my life is actually being created by me this very second. Maybe if I knew how, I could create everything I ever wanted. But what is it that I truly want?

It would be nice if I could settle on one set of beliefs and just live my life accordingly. Instead every time I learn something, a few months later it gets shot down and I have to start over again. I definitely think that much of our lives is just meant to be. My most profound realizations have been realizing that I am involved in a divine plan. I think I'll just stick with that. For now anyways.

Letting Go

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 00:56:19 GMT

I have been meditating on thoughts concerning letting go and what letting go means. It began as an external process, letting go of things in my life which I hold on tightly to and try and control. I realized once again that most aspects of my life I cannot control. I have my desires and wants, but for the most part all I can do is my best and then accept the rewards which come my way, even if they are not the rewards I expected. The thing with desires is that what we think we want usually isn't what we want at all and once we get what we want we realize it's either not what we wanted or not what we expected so we want something else. We are constantly striving to achieve that one thing which we desire but are only left chasing one desire after another.

I think the truth is that we never really know what exactly it is that we want, so it is impossible to strive after something so unsure, so uncertain. That's why it is best to want only that which occurs or is meant for us to receive. But I will be the first to admit that it is not possible to completely rid ourselves of desires, hopes, and dreams. If we did not have these things what reason would we have to act each day and move forward towards a destination. Yet it is important to understand that as we move forward, creating wants and desires, that the end result will not be what we expected, or what we wanted, but it will be something created that was meant for us to create. Therefore we should feel blessed and grateful to receive the fruits of our actions, for we can be certain that it is something needed in our life in order to fulfill our ultimate purpose. We can work with life instead of against it.

As I went through the process of understanding letting go I further realized while dictating in my personal journal that letting go is actually not an external process at all but more of an internal one. I do not need to let go of people, places and things but I need to let go of myself. I need to let go of the self that believes I deserve specific circumstances. The self that tries to control and formulate aspects of life because I believe it is what is meant to occur. The self that believes he should be loved by everyone, granted all desires, and liberated from all suffering. I must let go of "me" and embrace a gentle understanding, and loving appreciation for all which occurs in my life. The tears, the anger, the gifts, the joys, the trials, the confusion, the laughter and the love. I need to step outside of the "me" and become a gentle observer on the outside looking in, softly touching all that arises in my life with a tender understanding that every moment is a divine, God created miracle.

Life is a magically orchestrated plan, put in place at the birth of creation where each and everyone of us is playing a role. With this in mind, one can step back and discover a divine love for everything which encompasses the journey of life. All the emotions, all the actions, and all circumstances can be looked upon as the manifestation of a miracle. In so letting go of "me" does not involve becoming a rock and shedding off all disappointments, walking around with a suit of armor. Instead you shed the pieces of armor away, and let life hit you right in the heart, right in the place you thought you always had to protect.

I feel I've always had a very open heart. I freely give it away and open myself up to others. My problem is that my open-heart comes along with expectations and a sense that my heart deserves something. The controlling self quickly comes into the picture needing, wanting, and envisioning a reality that doesn't exist. Instead I must open my heart and and let accurate reality, the pure moment, receive my heart without attachments. As soon as the me becomes involved, controlling, conniving to get a certain reality to occur, it is time to step back and once again let the miracle of divine manifestation take place.

One situation which I have been holding onto with a firm grip has been the vision I have of my recovery. It is a fact that I'm going to walk again but I discovered that I'm forgetting to be grateful for all the blessings I am receiving along the way. I recently have had a surge of strength. I consistently have these moments were I feel physically sick, almost flu like, and then I suddenly feel better and a surge of strength takes place. I always half expect muscles to suddenly wake up and to come flying to my feet. Instead I get an overall feeling of stabilization, more muscle tightness, and more feeling of energy flow. I've been so focused on becoming this miracle boy that when I see the improvement I shrug it off and complain about the slowness.

I cannot forget to remember how blessed I am to be in the position I am in. To come as far as I have come, to have the destiny, and even the opportunity to recover and feel the earth beneath my feet again. I am probably three to four times stronger now than I was a year ago yet I so easily forget this statement because of expectations of a miraculous recovery. I do believe that tremendous recovery is destined for my future, but this does not take away from the beautiful moments where I feel the internal healing taking place and small steps of improved strength along the way. Every moment is a miracle, every moment is beautiful and nothing which happens in our life should be considered ordinary.

I am beginning to see Francis more often now, about once a month. He tells me that he keeps expecting me to jump out of my seat. I am going to be walking again soon he says. It is hard not to become fixated on the timing of all this. Squinting my eyes together and gritting my teeth, saying "Now! It needs to happen now!" More than anything I think my miraculous recovery may occur the moment in time when I let go of everything I hold onto so tightly and say, "Whenever you are ready God, I am here waiting with an open heart." Until then I will observe, experience, and be grateful.

The Life of Spring

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 02:45:49 GMT

The beginning of March is here and in so the warm sunshine of spring peers through the window pane. As I feel the warm sun on my face and notice the crisp, cool wind transforming into a comfortable breeze, I feel the rejuvenation of life in my veins. My energy and my motivation reaches a new level and I look toward the coming months with great hope and determination. I feel a sudden urge to break through the confinements of my small apartment, face my fears and seek out the many adventures which lay at my fingertips.

Winter so easily sneaks up on me and seems to tie me down with ropes and twine. Without even realizing it my mind is muffled, my heart restricted, and my exuberance muted. Then in another instant, spring sneaks in through the back door and I feel a rebirth occurring as if I'm coming out of my winter cocoon to face the world again.

My social life has suffered a great blow since my injury. I blame much of this on my lack of independence and the many limitations I suffer from because of my disability. The limitation which always speaks loudly in my realm of fear is my inability to drain my bladder. At this point I pretty much rely on my dad always being there when I need him to help me release the fluids. This unfortunately does not allow me to be anywhere by myself for any long period of time. My fellow more experienced spinal cord injuries will tell me that it is possible for me to learn how to do it on my own and I feel a sense of guilt thinking that maybe I am holding myself back. Then I think through my circumstances and I foresee all the complications and aggravations. Many spinal cord injuries will undergo treatments of medication or various surgeries in order to have independence in this area. I however refuse to do so because of my vision of recovery.

Nevertheless, despite my challenges and barriers, spring has once again brought forth a motivation to do things, meet people, and see new places every chance I get. At this point that may involve dragging mom and dad along or limiting the scope of my adventurous vision because of my physical limitations but I can be certain that these modifications are not permanent. One day I will be able to head out the front door on my own, one man, one individual, facing the world alone.

Recovery, how is the recovery going? Such a wonderful question and I wish I had a wonderfully answer. There is definitely things happening, this I can say for sure. I can feel it physically whether it be pulses of energy flowing down my legs, feeling tightness in my quads, burning sensations in my chest or noticing a sensation of strength in my scapular muscles. There's also a sense of knowing within my spirit urging me to be patient, have faith, and to expect a grand reward for my diligence and dedication. I can sense these things and I can feel it in my body, however I've yet to see as much as I sense and as much as I feel.

I am of course excited and encouraged by the strengthening I'm undergoing and all that I can feel occurring, but at the same time I do get discouraged wanting to see the benefits of all the healing that is happening. As of right now my parents are doing practically the same amount of work taking care of me that they were doing two years ago. In my mind it is time to release them of atleast some of these burdens. It is time for me to realize myself as an individual once again and break free of the binds which hold me down.

Until these life altering changes occur I'm trying to wake up each day, look at the sunrise and have gratitude to breathe life's air once again. I will look at all the improvements I have made and all the blessings which have been bestowed upon me and realize how lucky I am to be alive and to be experiencing each moment of my life. Life is truly a blessing but most of the time we are blind to seeing it's great purpose. If we could only see, we would realize how blessed we are to be given the chance of life, and we would weep with great joy until we had no more tears left to give.

Energy at Work

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 22:39:27 GMT

It is only been two weeks since I saw Francis last yet I already feel the healing energy shifting and attempting to make major changes. I feel like my trunk and shoulder muscles are finally beginning to connect with one another. When I pull down my shoulder blade I can actually feel the muscles connecting through my mid back, down into the lower parts, and into the glute muscles. It is not quite as obvious but I also feel this connection between my chest muscles, abdominals, and my hip flexors.

There is a crossing pattern which Sue Leger, at CenterIMT, is always impressing upon me as very important. It is basically the pattern of walking which most of us use on a daily basis without even realizing it. It is also used in all the movements which one makes throughout the day. Muscles are never used in isolation and are always involved in a pattern of muscular movements which have been stored within the spinal cord and brought to life through the miracle of consciousness with practically no effort at all. When I practice this pattern I pull my right shoulder blade down and then tighten my left glute. I then pull my left shoulder blade down and tighten my right glute. I do the same in the front, tightening my right chest muscle and pulling my left knee up. Tightening my left chest muscle and pulling my right knee up.

When I imagine my ideal recovery I usually picture muscles suddenly coming back to life with 100% strength. I'd wake up in the morning and suddenly I would have my chest muscles, or my rhomboids or my lats would kick in. This has not been the case however, and when I feel recovery occurring it seems to be spread out over my entire body, increasing the strength of patterned movements. This does not result in sudden functional movement but I feel a stronger connection to all parts of my body. I believe that this type of recovery I'm experiencing provides great hope for the future, because it ensures that my healing is not going to involve some muscles here and there coming back to life, but a restoration of all body systems, returning me to a normal state of human functioning.

I of course do not need to get overly analytical concerning exactly how my recovery is going to occur. I know what's going to happen so therefore I should simply focus on the changes that are happening now and have gratitude for the changes. I have very high excitations for my future recovery and so sometimes I forget to be thankful for all the little changes along the way. There is no doubt that over the past couple of weeks I've seen increased strength in my upper body and trunk muscles. In sitting I am beginning to be able to support myself with one hand while doing various movements with the other. I'm also starting to work on actually moving my body around with my arms on a flat surface. The potential for doing this can definitely be seen although I have not accomplished the feat as of yet.

As a big fan of Buddhism I stray from the ideals when speaking of my recovery. According to Buddhism one should live in the moment and realize that the future cannot be known for certain. I've struggled with this in the past because I believe that many times you must know something is going to occur in order to create it. Yet I also know that the future is greatly unknown and trying to pick how future events are going to occur can lead to much suffering. Through my experiences I've come to realize that there are future experiences which we can have faith will occur but it is not up to us to pick and choose what to have faith in and what not. Faith is something that you must seek out and find, and suddenly you'll find faith finds you. Then something that was once so hard to believe in, becomes quite easy.

It was once very hard for me to believe that I was going to recover. But with courage and determination I stepped out of my front door and began to search for the possibilities. Over time as my search continued a tiny seed of faith within began to grow and flourish. Through my search and dedication I found the faith which I had been looking for. It's quite possible that I could have found faith in something completely different than my recovery but God has blessed me with the path which I was seeking along.

We are meant to create certain events of our future and we are meant to know that certain things will occur. However, I do not think it is always up to us to choose what we are meant to create. The beginning of faith may be a faith in the endless possibilities igniting a search for what it is possible. Then by searching, we find what we are meant to have faith in.

My Faith Grows Strong

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 21:27:20 GMT

I have once again returned from another long journey to Austin, Texas to see Francis the healer. The two-day drive used to bother me and would frustrate me to the point where I wasn't always sure that the trip was worth it. But with each consecutive trip to see Francis I further realize how important he is in my life on all possible levels including the physical impact I know he is having and will have on what is now a broken body.

It is truly amazing to me the power of healing energy I can feel during the healings. Once upon a time I was not sure if I could even feel what was taking place. But now the healings have become so powerful that it is undeniable that a healing energy is coursing through my veins. Monday I experienced the most powerful healings I've ever gotten. Francis says I am like a magnet now absorbing incredible amounts of energy, double the amount that I absorbed during my previous visit. With each time I visit Francis the energy is building off of the previous time, opening me up to embrace further healing.

The first night back here in Atlanta I woke up to the sensation of my legs literally sizzling, like hot fajitas coming out of the kitchen. An anxious feeling overcame me, desperately wanting to move my legs but not being able to. At the same time I could feel a burning throughout my trunk muscles and into my chest. Once again, these are all very exciting signs of my body coming to life. Yet I know that I must continue to be patient and not get caught up in too many expectations. I now know that I'm going to be healed but I can't not know exactly when this is going to occur. But knowing that the time will come, there is no reason in getting all worked up about knowing exactly when major recovery is going to happen. I do know however, that I must continue to see Francis. He is the central key to my recovery.

Not only do my visits to Francis have effects on me physically but the spiritual effects are also immense. My faith in God, and in purpose and reason become more clear than ever. I realize I'm a perfect spirit experiencing this life with the purpose of growing closer to God. I further realize that there are no accidents and everything which we experience is part of a divine plan. My love for this life and everyone around me grows. I become more forgiving, more accepting, and less judgmental. I see the presence of God all around me and instead of looking at a person and only seeing flesh and bones, I see a perfect spirit also working through trials and tribulations, discovering the strengths they are capable of in the midst of their fears.

I have realized that you can always fall back on love. Releasing the control I feel I must have over people and over my life, I can love myself knowing that I'm doing the best that I can while fulfilling a higher purpose and experiencing what I'm supposed to experience. I can love everyone knowing that they also are doing the best they can and fulfilling their own purposes. Never should I feel hurt by the actions of others for in some way, shape or form they are helping me fulfill my purpose as well as I am helping fulfill theirs. By this I mean that we all have a role to fill in each other's lives. Many times it is hard to understand what his role is or how we are supposed to act in accordance with this role but that is all part of the plan. Looking within ourselves and learning from each other. Finding a way to see past the material world around us, see past the emotional hurt and pain which feels so strong, and see past the fear attached to human nature and discover the love of God present inside and all around us.

It is my goal to love unconditionally. To love without expectations and without attachments to my own desires. I want to strip myself from the need of approval from others and discover that all the love I need can be found within myself. I honestly doubt I will ever reach that point. It is possible yes, but I can't deny that I do wish to be loved. Yet even though the goal is lofty and seems unattainable, there is no harm in reaching for it. For I believe that is why we are here, to reach for what cannot be seen or heard. Only felt through some sort of premonition deep within ourselves that there is something large, magnificent and beautiful beyond anything we can imagine.

In the coming weeks I hope to update my readers and supporters of my newfound physical improvements. However if I find myself frustrated by the slow pace of recovery or none at all I shall remain faithful. Maybe to the outside world I am a nut with a hopeless dream, but I'm going to walk again.

Every Moment Is a Teacher

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 22:43:12 GMT

This very moment is a gift, the present they call it, and this gift comes in the form of a teacher. Every moment of our lives, good or bad, is here to teach us in some way or another. We usually cannot fully understand what exactly we are being taught but we can know for sure that all the variables which have brought us to this moment have not just been a chaotic series of events but have been ordained and planned by a higher power. There is great purpose and reason not only in our lives as a whole but also day by day, minute by minute. It is our choice on whether or not we use the present moment to awaken and fulfill our purpose or to put up walls and barriers preventing lessons learned because of fear and ignorance.

I cannot speak in confidence for everyone else out there, but in my own life I constantly find myself reaching out for something else to find peace and happiness. There are fears and demons hiding within myself and most of the time I'm trying to find ways to ignore them or somehow pretend to deal with them. Yesterday I suddenly realized that I have not been fully experiencing the emotions within myself. Once I broke through the wall of fear I realized that I still have a great deal of pain and anger. I sat in silent meditation to experience these emotions in order to let it go but I had trouble finding them. Then coming out of my standing frame, an accident happened in which I tumbled out of my chair and fell to the floor. In all seriousness laying there on the floor actually helped me to find some of that pain I was looking for.

One of the meditations I have been doing recently is called tonglen meditation. In this type of meditation you do exactly the opposite of what seems natural. On the in-breath you actually breathe in the pain and suffering of your life and then on the out-breath you let it all go. It's not about believing that one day I will be able to let go of all the suffering I feel. It's becoming at peace with the suffering and realizing that I can feel the pain and experience it but be able to let it go at the same time. Life is not about finding a certain place in time where everything is okay. It's about realizing that this moment is here for a reason and being able to experience all that goes along with it, all that we feel and all that occurs. Until one truly faces their demons, they will only arise again and again.

I realize that this path is not for everyone. It is truly the path of the spiritual warrior. It is not easy by any means. Sometimes I'll be sitting in meditation, feeling all the pain and suffering of my life. Not that my life has been all that bad but there is a great deal of pain there, as there is for all of us. I find that even when I am feeling good, I sit and look within myself and suddenly I find anger, sadness, and resentment. I sometimes wonder why on earth do I sit here and find all of these uncomfortable emotions? Many times I just want to shut it all down deep inside of me and find some way not to think about it. But then it just sits there and festers and always arises sooner or later. One of my favorite authors Pema Chodron describes it as constantly pealing away the layers of armor which surrounds us. As we face and fully experience all that is us, we slowly peel away layer after layer.

The goal is to fully experience each moment with nonattachment. Most suffering is not caused by the actual emotions or events of our lives. Samsara it is called which is a cycle of suffering which is caused by believing that happiness should be constant. The moment we are happy we think that it should never go away and then the moment it does we are constantly trying to find some way to get it back. A cycle occurs where we are never satisfied. Living in this manner we fail to experience the teachings of this moment and therefore never learn the lessons which we are meant to learn. Instead of pealing away the layers of armor, piece by piece more is added.

I sense an air of negativity in what I'm saying here. Perhaps it's because I've been frustrated with my path as a spiritual warrior. I am tired of the present moment and tired of constantly having to face my demons. So many times I look within and try to accept what the present moment is trying to teach me. With peace I try and except God's will but at the same time I fight it not wanting to believe that this is the path I am meant to take. Yet I realize that the times I'm able to breathe in and breathe out, and experience all that is me, eventually I find a feeling of peace. I find a love, a kindness, and a gentle spirit which is at the core of my being. I find this and I realize that my purpose is being fulfilled.

There is great joy, love, and happiness to be found in the experience of being a human being. There is also great sorrow, pain, and anger. It is not our purpose to find one or the other and accept it. I believe we are meant to go through this life experiencing every aspect of our being inside and out. We are meant to experience it all as is our purpose. May I accept the present moment as my teacher and learn all that it has to offer so that I may live a fulfilled life, a life which I am destined to live.

I Am that I Am

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 20:25:14 GMT

Faith means different things to different people, but much of the time I'm told that faith means believing in something that can't be proven. For instance I have faith that I'm going to walk again but yet I cannot prove it to anyone. It is simply something I know is going to happen because the thought has been ingrained into my consciousness by some higher power. Yet when I think of faith in my own life, this is not what immediately comes to mind.

When I think of faith I think of living my life to the best of my abilities. Resting here in the moment reaching out to the opportunities that present themselves to me, knowing that they will lead me down a path of purpose and reason. This type of faith requires action and it requires courage. It requires facing all the ugly emotions and not running away from them. It requires facing fears and living through moments which all senses tell me to run away from, to push down into a box, and stuff away in a closet somewhere. It is a faith which allows me to choose without regret, act without worry, and live knowing that my life is in God's hands.

A life without regret would be true if my faith was 100% strong but it is not. I do regret and I do worry. All the time. But as I go forward in faith, I slowly break down the barriers between what I perceive as myself and what is. Facing the ugly emotions, the tightness which wraps itself around my throat, I discover that I can let go and be all of these things which I push away as well as the things I embrace. I can love myself for everything I am, everything I despise and everything I admire. When my life feels like a hurricane I do not need to find a way to calm the storm. I can sit and feel the harsh winds hit my face and all the dirt and grime which crash through me. The torrential downpours can hit me with 80 mph winds and seep into my soul. I can absorb everything which I hate and fear only to discover that beneath that hate lies a love for everything I am.

So often we feel like we need to fix things. Life is not going the way it's supposed to go, I'm not feeling the way I'm supposed to feel, I must do something to change this. It is a common misconception among all of us that we always need to fix, but this is not the case. It is true that we must continue to move forward so that life and energies can fluctuate and flow but everything that is happening in this moment is here for a reason. The emotions we experience, the people who are around us, and the environment we are placed in is all here as an opportunity to grow, learn, and awaken to the presence of God and the unity of love and life that we all share. To push away this moment and what is happening here and now is to push away our purpose. Instead I believe it is necessary to embrace the moment even if it feels icky and uncomfortable, so that we can develop a lovingkindness for who we are and fulfill the purpose of why this moment is here. Only then can we learn from the moment as is our purpose and then slowly be able to let go and settle into our true nature. However, even pushing things away and hiding from what scares us is part of the moment and could be part of our purpose. It's not about frantically running around on impulses, but to choose and act in faith and embracing with love and gentleness all that comes along with these choices.

Everything which encompasses our lives is here for a reason. It is quite possible to embrace all of it and use each moment of our lives as an opportunity to awaken and love ourselves. It is also possible to become bitter and angry concerning how we feel and what life hands us, but even that can be embraced with love. Once you love yourself, that love will grow and touch all life in some way or another, because nothing is separate, and nothing is excluded from the oneness of all life. If you want to change the world, the best place you can start is within yourself.

I am no swami living a life of complete acceptance of all that is. Life is actually not going exactly the way I think it should at the moment. Coming back from my last visit to Francis I was extremely encouraged but was also attached to many expectations. Laying in bed those first couple of nights back and feeling the immense healing taking place in my body, my heart pounded as I thought of the recovery which was in store for me. And so I've patiently waited and find myself continuing to wait for that burst of improvement which I perceive as so imminent. Physically I continue to feel small bursts of improvement. Even in the past few weeks I would feel a surge of healing surface, I than expect huge things, and then the next morning I am slightly stronger. I smile and feel satisfaction in my gains but the expectations are not reached.

I perceive myself as an up-and-coming miracle. I perceive myself as different from other spinal cord injuries even those who recover years after their injuries. But doubt does creep in my mind and I wonder if I'm fooling myself. Will my faith ever be proven? The doubt is then crushed when I close my eyes and discover that seed of faith which has been planted. There is something within me that will not be shaken nor stirred. This does not fully take away from the fact however that the past few weeks frustration has been present as I try and patiently wait for the miraculous recovery which I know will one day manifest. Obviously my recovery is going at the pace it is going at the present time because that is what is meant to be. I can do the best I can, and incorporate all the modalities of healing therapies which have been presented to me. I can continue to open doors and follow the signs which God presents to me. I can do all that I can to ensure that the energies of life flow and I do not get stuck. After I do this I must accept the moment and all that it offers me so that I can fulfill that purpose and learn what I am supposed to learn. Only then will I be allowed to move on to the consecutive phases of my life. I strongly believe in reason and purpose these days. It is quite ridiculous to me to think that all of this is just chaotic, meaningless series of events. As much as I might not like it sometimes, I'm right where I am supposed to be.

As far as my frustration goes it helps to look back and think about what life would be like if I had not moved here to Atlanta and stayed in Charlotte. A shiver actually runs down my spine thinking about it. I would still be completely skin and bones with scapulas popping out like a pterodactyl. I would be getting urinary infections twice a month. I would be cold and tired shivering in my room. Overall I would still be pale, frail, and puny. I would also be living a life not knowing where I was going. I may not be improving as fast as I would like but things are much much better than they could have been.

The Buddhists have a saying that once you find the Buddha, kill the Buddha. I interpret this as once you think you have found all the answers you must immediately destroy them. Once you believe that you have everything all figured out, you attach yourself to the thought that everything is going to be smooth sailing from here on out. Then all of a sudden the hurricane hits, your attached ways of thinking do not work and you are left in despair. On all levels life is a fluctuation of energy, whether it is in the outside world or inside our minds. Each of us has a path to travel and no path is the same as anyone else's. This is true for the path one takes to work as well as the path one takes to awakening in spirit. We can find all the answers simply by looking within and embracing with love.

Happy holidays.

Great week of healing

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 03:10:13 GMT

I just got back from another trip to Austin, Texas to see Francis, the healer. We took Sasquatch, the Van again. I've learned to really love to be out on the open road traveling but now that we've done the trip to Texas about three times now, I'm kind ready to start flying. It is my hope that by the time we are ready for another trip to Austin I will be strong enough to make flying a little bit easier.

Despite being on the road for two whole days, I'm feeling energized and pumped after my week long visit with Francis. With each visit to Francis my healing sessions are becoming more and more powerful. He has told me several times in the past that how well I'm doing is based on how much energy I am able to take in and absorb. I had one group healing on Monday followed by another group healing on Tuesday. Immediately after the Tuesday session was over Francis exclaimed to me how excited he was and how well I'm doing. Apparently in the past I've only been able to take on a certain amount of energy and it usually took me several days to absorb it. This time however I was taking on much more energy and I was able to absorb all of it in a single day! I could not necessarily tell the difference to start off with but just to see Francis get so excited about my recovery was very encouraging. Francis also told me that he can now see much more energy flowing down to my legs and my aura contains more color a good sign of health returning to my body. He told me that I should expect to see new movements occurring very soon and my pace of recovery should speed up rapidly.

Five days in a row I went in and experienced the peaceful touch of Francis has the healing energy of God poured into me. In the past during healings I have felt a lot of warmth but this time I grew very tired during the sessions, sometimes feeling as if I would fall asleep. Then upon leaving I felt the familiar sensation of quiet peacefulness fill my soul. I would then go back to the hotel and sleep for two hours.

By the end of the week I felt very tired but at the same time I felt energized, much different than my past experiences. Usually after three or four days Francis would tell me that I was all filled up and could not take on any more energy. I could tell he was correct because I would get headaches I could feel a lot of stuffiness in my head. This time however, even after five days of healing I was still absorbing the energy. When I would go to bed at night I could feel the heaviness of the energy but most of the time I would wake up and it would be gone.

On the ride home on Saturday the effects of the healing was clearly apparent to me. At the hotel that night muscles in my chest, triceps, and forearms began to twitch. Not only that but my legs felt more alive than ever before! Much of the ride home today I spent focusing on various parts of my body trying to flex the muscles. I could feel the connection growing the more time I spent trying, and I'm confident that these muscles will begin to truly awaken in the near future.

Most of the week was spent going to see Francis, and resting absorbing as much of the energy as I could. My dad had an increase in his workload so there was not much fun to be had. I did get to go in workout at the Brain and Spine Center at the Brackenridge hospital. I love the energy over there and the therapists are very knowledgeable and a lot of fun too. They only get to see me every couple of months so the improvement I am making is always very obvious to them. It's encouraging to get an outside professional opinion from someone who doesn't see me all the time.

In conclusion, I just had an awesome week of healing and I can't wait to see it all manifest in the coming weeks. It usually takes about six weeks for the healing to take full effect but we shall see.

If anyone out there is near the Austin area and is suffering from anything from depression to cancer, I highly recommend a visit to Francis. It is free, and there is no harm in opening your mind to the possibilities. With God anything is possible. www.Francisthehealer.com

Brainstorming

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 13:50:06 GMT

Brainstorming the keys to life and what creates spiritual growth:

Become an observer of the mind.

Realizing we are divine spirits with no limits or boundaries.

Realizing the divine spirit in others.

Realizing thoughts and actions which represent a false sense of identity or ego.

Living in the present moment.

Accepting the past, realizing that the future cannot be accurately imagined.

Accepting the present moment as a gift to love, grow, and discover.

Forgiving yourself for everything you believe you have done wrong in your life.

Forgiving everyone else for what you believe they may have done wrong to you in your life.

Living a life of loving kindness, loving all and serving all.

Becoming honest with oneself, realizing what lifts you up and what brings you down.

Realizing that a higher power does indeed exist.

Realizing that this higher power contains the knowledge of purpose for your life.

Realizing that this purpose cannot be fully understood.

Surrendering that which cannot be understood to God so that he may work through you.

Realizing that this life is a small window of opportunity.

Success and failure should not be so heavy a burden for this one life is microscopic compared to the infinite, eternal Spirit which we live through.

Continuously searching for God, for truth, in patience knowing that only God's grace will grant us peace and faith.

Creating life with God, embracing the present moment and the gifts God gives us and using them to create a path of purpose.

Looking within through meditation, spending time with spirit and with God.

Letting go of the attachment of who we think we are and realizing that we are God.

Knowing that there is nothing but God. Everywhere we look, everything we smell, taste and experience is God.

Sober fun

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 03:27:31 GMT

Last weekend I went to a keg party, with the goal in mind of not drinking any alcohol. I've done my share of partying in my life and never have I been able to be sober at a party and have fun. I've always thought that I needed alcohol to loosen up and have a good time. At this point my life, alcohol and I simply don't go together. It makes me have to urinate like crazy, something I can't take care of myself right now. Plus it makes me very cold and tired. So there I was surrounded by people with cups in their hands filled with cool refreshing beer. Nine times out of 10 I give in to the social pressures and I drink at least one. This time however I stood my ground and not one sip of alcohol did I drink. Then not only did I not drink, but I managed to surpass my inhibitions, let loose and have an enjoyable time. Who would've thought?

It felt good to achieve this goal. I was able to become who I was and not feel like I needed to become somebody else for others to enjoy my company. As I walk along this path of discovery and healing, I find myself discovering who I am. I find myself merging with an essence of Colin, who is not restricted by labels or identities. I can breathe in the moment, find a spot inside of me which contains no worries and live through it. However, in the moment that I find this spot of comfort, many times I find myself searching for drama to attach myself to. It's as if sometimes I just can't accept that everything went exactly like it was supposed to go.

I wonder if it is possible for me to liberate myself from attachment. Free myself from the suffering of desires and the control I try and have over what occurs in my life. Then I say "why not me?" Why is it so hard to believe that I can awaken to the existence of life which carries no burdens and no worries. And as the questions of life circle around my mind, I come back to the knowledge that all these questions may never bring any answers. Yet for some reason as I continued to trudge along, I am granted faith and peace.

I can still remember turning back to God in college. After a long stretch of absolutely no faith, I began to pray. I was a lost soul who craved something larger in life. I craved the knowledge of the existence of a driving force behind everything. I prayed but I could not find it. I spoke to a God which I did not understand. Yet now, I somehow understand that which cannot be understood. And I find God everywhere, and in everything. Unfortunately, this realization is not carried with me in all my moments. I cannot claim yet to be completely awakened to the existence of God. Yet at any moment, I know it can occur. Why not me?

Healing can be a powerful thing. The dedication I have taken to healing my physical body has transformed into healing on all possible levels. It has driven me to connect with an essence of myself far beyond the physical. To heal ourselves brings us back to a force straight from the heart of God, the force of creation, the force of manifestation. It is true that this accident has been a great gift. The identity of Colin has suffered a great deal. Everything Colin thought he was, is now gone. But the spirit, the spirit loves the hardships. It soaks up it up like a sponge and grows closer to God with each day of discovery.

Everything I am is driven by a force far greater than anything I can fathom. For me to believe that I can have an understanding of the purpose behind this force is quite ridiculous, so therefore I shall go forth and face the gifts which are brought upon me, whether I understand them or not. Acting and living to the best of my abilities, the results will manifest however God intends them to and I will find peace in knowing that an ultimate purpose is being fulfilled. Now I only have to go out live it. Easy enough right?

A Week of Healing

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 23:32:17 GMT

The past week there has been a great deal of healing occurring on many levels and it has been utterly exhausting. Last Saturday I suddenly felt as if a shift of recovery was happening. It wasn't really as if I could suddenly do more things, or had more movement, but I could feel healing energy flowing throughout my body. I also felt very warm, a sure sign that healing is usually taking place. I immediately thought of Francis as one of the things he tells me is that it usually takes six weeks for the healing to take full effect. It had just so happened that I was at the exact six-week mark when I felt this healing energy manifest. Francis also told me that many times when healing is occurring at a rapid pace people can get sick and feverish. Sure enough I woke up the next day with a fever. It was somewhat frustrating but I pretty much knew that the way I was feeling was actually a good thing and I was probably burning off toxicity and getting rid of the gunk.

The next morning I felt much better and was ready to plunge headfirst into the week. It was what they call an intensive week at Center IMT. This is when Sharon Giamatteo, creator of integrative manual therapy, comes down with her husband and therapists from all over the country. Sharon has an incredible gift on many levels I'm certain, but the one gift I was able to observe is her gift of diagnosing dysfunction in the body and then directing the appropriate techniques in order to facilitate the healing. It is pretty amazing as she stands over me looking off in the distance spouting off different medical, IMT, and various layman's terms on what is happening inside of me. When the therapist is done with with the treatment she advises, she comes back over and repeats the process. "Okay, this has cleared up, now this has surfaced, so now do this treatment", and so on. At one point she even diagnosed my body from across the room. This is no surprise to the therapists, as they tell me stories of her surveying the dysfunction of people's bodies thousands of miles away over the phone. Very impressive I must say, even though I don't always quite know what she's talking about when it comes to the diagnosis, instinctually I am aware that the use of a very unique gift is taking place.

I felt immediate effects from the treatments I got on Monday. I have always thought that I mostly needed work done on the spinal cord at and below the injury level. But to my surprise one of the first things Sharon had them work on was my brain stem. It makes sense considering I fractured my C1 vertebrae when I had my injury. Almost immediately I could feel the release of pressure around my eyes and throughout my cranium. It turns out my C1 was actually pushing against my brain stem causing a lot of the tension I've been feeling in my face and skull. The next day I also had more range of motion in my neck something the doctor told me would never be any better. I could also breathe and swallow much more easily.

On Tuesday I felt as if I was in a dream world, looking in on reality. The sudden healing I had felt over the weekend along with the effects of Sharon's treatments made me feel as if I was on drugs but really I was only getting used to my body returning to normalcy . I was at the Shepherd center that day and kept surprising myself as I looked around and felt more sharpness in my vision. I would then take these deep breaths and startle myself at the amount of oxygen which was going to my brain. Who would've thought I would have to get used to being normal.

The next morning I woke up to another surprise. When I sat up in bed I could feel my scapulas were more secure and I could tell there was a significant increase in the stability of my shoulders. My winging right scapula which has plagued me for so long is finally beginning to flatten out.

The next three days I was at center IMT, laying on a treatment table for six hours each visit. But even though I was only lying there my body was working very hard. The treatments were actually physically exhausting and by the end of the day I could barely sit in my chair. Much of the time I tried to assist in the healing process and focused on visualizations. My awareness of my body has increased a great deal and my visualizations have become much more powerful. This is something I need to continue to focus on so that I can take control of the healing process and ensure my quick and full recovery.

I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know all of the therapists over the past week. It seems that they each have a certain quality about them. They're very refreshing to be around, and it's as if IMT has taught them not only how to heal bodies but empower people at all levels. Being the kind of person I am it is very comforting to be surrounded by people of this caliber. I am allowed to open up and share my thoughts, my discoveries, and my spiritual struggles and have them embraced and nurtured. Many people find certain topics of discussion uncomfortable as I see their eyes glaze over hoping that the subject matter is changed. This past week has not been the case however. This past week I was surrounded by people who are able to completely open their minds to the possibilities. This is evident in their dedicated involvement to a type of treatment which cannot be grasped in a day but must be practiced over years as the actual conscious awareness slowly unveils itself. Becoming a practicing IMT therapist is not for those of little patience. It is for those who are willing to open up their minds to something which cannot be understood completely through words but more so understood through an opening of the heart and mind. I believe it takes a certain amount of faith to jump into it not understanding the full mechanics right away but just knowing that there is something about it. This is one of the reasons why many of the therapists were once patients in the past. They were able to experience first-hand the power that integrative manual therapy can have. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be the one healing people.

Aside from the physical improvements which have occurred this past week I feel as if deeper growth has occurred as well. I currently find myself more able to let go of the control I wish to have over my life. I tend to get wrapped up in attachments and desires for what I believe should and is supposed to manifest in my life. However I'm beginning to further understand that the control I have over my life is very limited and the only control I have is what I choose to do with this very moment. I can choose to manifest something in my future but only if it is aligned with a divine purpose. In this moment I know I am meant to manifest my physical healing and so I do it. Yet I do not know the exact occurrence of events which tomorrow will bring. All I know is that right now I can sit here in front of my computer and write. I can write and I can share and I can feel encouraged by it. Encouraged by doing something which inspires growth and satisfaction. I can sleep in peace tonight knowing that tomorrow I will do my best to make good decisions and to be true to who I am. As long as I do that I can let go of the results knowing that my purpose will be fulfilled. I can only do my best, and nothing more. Why stress over knowing whether or not I am doing the right things or heading in the appropriate directions? I do my best and give the results to God. Who am I to argue what manifests and what does not? There is always much larger roles being played in life, and if I do not get something which I thought I would get, then I should probably bow my head in prayer thanking God for he has denied me something which would have most likely pulled me away from my path and purpose.

One can sit here and read this and say to themselves, yes I already know these things. Live in the moment,, surrender the future, blah blah blah..." I too discover these things over and over again from different approaches, different words. But the key to truly understanding and realizing the spiritual bliss that resides within us, is by repeatedly searching and discovering the truth over and over again. I know that I will hit suffering once again. The moment will come and I will have no understanding, but I will search for that understanding and once again I will find it. And when I find it again, it will be stronger than the last time. Suffering is a part of life, but it is within that suffering where we grow and discover who we are and fulfill our purpose on earth. Therefore I welcome the suffering as a gift, a gift providing me with the chance to discover the truth one more time.

Regathering Myself

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 00:52:30 GMT

I'm afraid recently I have not been able to follow some of the simple spiritual practices I've come to know. Such as living in the moment, recognizing the divine spirit in myself and others, and having faith that I am co-creating a life with God leaving no room for fear. When I first moved down to Atlanta it was a fresh new experience every day opening doors which I've yet to travel. Now it seems that I'm getting much more comfortable in my situation, things have become rather routine and it has led to a displaced feeling.

Several months ago I felt that true recovery was beginning. Week by week I was noticing changes in my overall strength and of course this was exciting. I was seeing things happening that I had never experienced since my injury. Each week I continue to see changes, however I have now gotten used to this gradual increase of improvement and unfortunately I have become frustrated with the pace. I find myself asking similar questions which I asked during the first year of my injury. "When is my improvement going to speed up?" I ask. "When will I have independence?"

Now that I've gotten used to the routine of therapy, I've begun to look at my life as a whole and I'm noticing the gaps where desires do not exist. Recently desire to have an exciting social life has been in the forefront of my mind. Atlanta has proven to be a better place such far for me to get out and do things but it lacks the independence I seek. I know that quality time with the family is a good thing but I'm about ready to break free and feel like more of my own person again.

I know that the physical improvement which is on its way will dramatically change my life and make many of my issues disappear or easier to deal with. But I do wonder if there is more which I should be doing in the meantime to improve my quality-of-life. I pretty much just want to have fun again. I find a lot of peace in reading, prayer and meditation but sadly the moments where I am forgetting about life and simply laughing, and having a good old time are few and far in between. I probably have more fun than I realize as my current frame of mind is making me focus on certain aspects of my life.

Most of my issues boil down to not living in the moment. Accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, and living right here and now. Going out and doing what I can, realizing the divine spirit within myself and finding peace in the realization of the spirits around me. Making choices knowing that I contain free will to make right and wrong decisions, but having faith in the knowledge that God always makes things work out in the end. I may go through rough patches because of decisions I make, but these are only part of the growing process as the events unfold into the divine plan which God has set out for me. I want to get back to co-creating my life with God, grabbing ahold of my future without fear as I know the divine presence is there guiding me and rewarding me for pressing forward in faith.

Despite these frustrations I have mentioned, I'm actually living more of a spiritual life that I ever have. Every morning I spend at least 30 minutes meditating as well as every night before I go to sleep. I also find myself meditating and searching for answers throughout the day, trying to find peace and God in every situation. Yes, I have become used to the routine, but at least it is a routine which has me getting up in the morning and doing something with my life. The main difference between my frustrations now and my frustrations at the beginning of my injury, are that now I have a plan to succeed in my life. The light at the end of the tunnel has steps in-between and step-by-step I am making my way towards the destination. I will continue to achieve great things. The timing may not be exactly as I plan or forsee, but magnificence accomplishments are on the horizon. Stay tuned.

VIDS

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 16:05:10 GMT

Check out some new videos!

http://www.youtube.com/colinsodyssey

Francis

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 02:21:14 GMT

I just got back from another visit to Francis, the healer I see in Austin. I first visited Francis when my dad and I made our long trip, driving across the country to San Diego. Always in the mood to open doors of opportunity, we decided to stop by and see a man we were told had an incredible gift of healing. During those several days of healing I came to believe that something larger was happening, yet many questions still lingered in my mind. My initial experiences told me that he indeed was healing my body, but I still couldn't help but think, was it all in my head? Now however, after four weeklong visits of healing from Francis, I say without a doubt that he is a gifted man who contains an incredible power. It seems that each time I've seen him, the sensation of healing energy which overcomes me increases in strength to the point where I know my mind cannot create such a thing. Warmth and peace spreads through me as his hands hover and touch various parts of my body. My head becomes heavy as I feel the weight of the energy coming down on me. I feel as if I'm about to collapse yet I cannot bring myself to move. My heart opens up, and each breath is filled with peace. After some time passes Francis says his final prayer, asking God for bliss and joy in our lives, and I leave filled with God's presence.

I don't know exactly who Francis is to be honest. I was extremely intimidated by him at our first meeting. I've now become more and more comfortable with him and as I have more conversations with him I have come to understand that he is indeed just a man. He contains a huge amount of spiritual wisdom yet I do not believe he always speaks ultimate truth. However, when in his presence I am aware of a heart more pure than any I have ever come in contact with. He holds no anger, no bitterness, only love. A good friend of his told me that more than anything he is a healer of hearts. I know this to be true recently for after each visit to Francis I feel my heart open up a little more and I feel closer to the peace that I seek. I have been lucky enough to sit down with him and speak about my struggles, and sometimes I do hear contradictory statements, but yet I believe he tells me things I need to hear in order to find the answers for myself, increasing my personal wisdom and opening my heart to understanding.

I feel extremely blessed to have Francis in my life for he is helping me undergo a healing far beyond the physical. He is helping me to experience a healing on a much deeper level which will result in not only me walking again, but me walking again with joy and bliss in my heart. God bless you Francis.

Dreams Do Come True

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 18:54:02 GMT

Since becoming paralyzed on July 10th, 2004, I feel as if I've constantly been preparing to get physically better. There is no doubt that the past three years has been a healing process on so many different levels. I was meant to break my neck and become a quadriplegic for many many reasons, the core reason being that the experience is what my spirit needed for its growth and development. I was lucky enough to be able to discover that my injury was a prime opportunity to look deeper within myself and discover the spiritual abyss which resided there. It has been a long process of spiritual, emotional, and mental healing but I have to say that without this experience I would be nowhere near where I am today. The growth my injury provided me is irreplaceable and if a spontaneous healing had occurred the day after my accident, a gift from God would have been stolen from me.

So for me to say that my recovery is now beginning would be a false statement for I have been recovering since the day of the accident. Only it is now that I'm ready to recover on a more physical level, and not only am I ready, but it is happening. The past week or so for the first time since my injury, I have had sudden increases in strength which can only be linked to the neural recovery of my nervous system. I have always worked very hard in my workouts, but never have I gotten a feeling like I have now of muscles kicking in, waking up and becoming clearly apparent in my movements and exercises. This increase in strength is directly pinpointed to the muscles of my shoulder driver, being the muscles in my shoulders and upper back, my chest and my triceps.

In moving to Atlanta, my parents and I have put a lot of faith in the type of rehab I have been involved with. We knew that exercise was a key component for my recovery but then we were introduced to integrative manual therapy. Not being a widely known or publicized type of treatment, I invested in this type of healing with somewhat of an understanding but more of a sense of faith that I was being led in this direction. Now however, my belief in IMT is increasing because the muscles they have been working on, are the same muscles which are now increasing in strength. These muscles are ones I have spent a great deal of effort and time trying to get stronger and until now have never truly responded. In my mind I'm experiencing clear evidence that IMT is working and playing a key role in my recovery.

I do continue to believe that everything I am doing is playing its part in my recovery. I feel as if the intensive exercise I get at the Shepherd center is an imperative stimulus to my nervous system and placing the necessary demands on my body so that it wakes up and gets moving again. The role of Francis, my energy healer, is also very important and without him I'm not sure if physical healing would even be possible. So many people and experiences have led me to the position I'm in today and when I think back on my journey up to this point, it's truly amazing to see the intricate involvement of God. All the people around us are truly the tools of gods craftsmanship as so many people have led me in my own life. I'm discovering more and more how there is never a magical answer for the major problems of our lives. It most always takes a journey of discovery, and opening up to the possibilities, so that not only do we achieve our desires but we are given a much more important gift of growing along the way.

My current recovery is only the beginning of what's to come. I not only believe that I will become independent again, but I believe a full recovery is going to take place. As long as I'm willing to put forth the effort and have faith in what I'm doing, my recovery will continue on. At times it has almost been overwhelming to experience these beginning stages of recovery. It's been a figment of my imagination for so long. A dream that has lingered through all the ups and downs. Now it seems that this dream is becoming a reality and the thought of recovery, of walking, is no longer a possibility but simply a matter of time.

I am often looked up to, or so I think I am, as someone with a strong determination and drive to succeed. However, I am not satisfied with this label and I know that I will not only be a story of someone who had the willpower to try, but a story of beating the odds and living out the dream that no one thought was possible.

http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/showthread.php?t=82068
-Thread I created so people could follow my recovery.

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Adjusting to My New Home

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 23:53:05 GMT

I have now been living in my new home in Atlanta for two weeks and it has not taken me long to get settled in. I think in my mind I had left Charlotte a long time ago so mentally adjusting to my new environment has not been hard. My mom has spent two weekends with us, but for the most part it has just been my dad and I. My mom has a job interview coming up next week so hopefully she will be joining us soon.

Since being here recovery has been a full-time job for me. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I am at centerIMT from about 11 to six. Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays I am at beyond therapy from one to four o'clock. I've been getting up in the morning between 6 and 630, meditating, eating my breakfast, doing the wonderful crap program, trying to get some sort of a shower in, getting dressed and then taking off. I no longer have a roll-in shower so the past couple weeks have been rather interesting. It actually has worked out fine however, and Thursday morning I received my new tub chair right on schedule. A scenario which I thought would be a tremendous hassle and emotionally exhausting was nothing of the sort.

Therapy has been going well but I've been finding myself analyzing my recovery with each passing day. This can be rather frustrating as I have not seen huge jumps of recovery but more of a steady progress that continues to incrementally increase. I decided a couple days ago that I need to step back and let at least a month pass before I analyze how much recovery I have had. I can definitely notice myself beginning to do various positioning and movements which I've not done before which will continue to build off one another. I am positive that a couple months from now I will be able to look back and be amazed at the progress I'm making.

Since moving to Atlanta, I have truly dedicated myself to creating the life which I would like to live. Of course a huge part of this dedication is going towards the vision of my full recovery, but the rest of my creation is not nearly as clear cut in my mind. Apart from my walking, creation of my life ahead is a piece of art work in progress. At the center of this piece of art is a vision of me standing on my own 2 feet with my hands reaching high above my head. Surrounding me is a dazzling display of colors all created by my devotion to the self-realization of spirit, for I have discovered that this is the primary reason for our being. We were brought here, to this earth, in these bodies to discover our true selves within. To grow as a spirit and face the challenges of this life, overcoming the fear which blinds us from our true nature.

During my last visit to Francis, I heard him talk about heaven and the spirits and angels which come down to help him with his healing. I have not thought much about the afterlife because honestly it scared me. Living this one life, dieing and then passing on to someplace for all eternity did not make much sense to me. Because it made no sense to me, I had trouble believing it and the thought lingered in the back of my head that maybe at the end of this life there was nothing more. Maybe our soul simply merged with God and all identity was gone.

I got home however, and felt the urge to read a book which I had cast aside for the past two years or so. The book is called "Journey of Souls". My dad mentioned the book several times but the book dealt with reincarnation, a concept which made me curious but for some reason indignant of the idea. But I suddenly felt open-minded to the idea of an afterlife mostly because Francis assured me that there is a heaven and it just so happens to be a wonderful place.

I began reading the book and became enthralled by it. The author is a hypnotherapist who is able to tap into the super conscious mind of his patients so that they described to him what it was like to die, go to the spirit world, and then be reborn again. It is hard to deny what these people say because 30 or more people, not in contact with each other, all described similar type experiences of what the spirit world was like. These people were so descriptive with their knowledge, that the author was able to come up with a timeline of events from death to rebirth, and convey why it is we come down to earth and live in these human bodies. The overall purpose of exactly why God feels the need to send souls down to a material world still eludes me, but I now have a heightened sense of purpose and reason knowing that everything I have gone through has been part of a divine plan. This divine plan was in place before I was born, and serves the purpose of providing my soul for the exact experiences it needs in order to develop as a spiritual being. It turns out all the major decisions of my life have already been made for me. However, it is my responsibility to stay strong, be aware of the signs and have the faith to follow them.

I have always been very wary of the idea of predestination. It was much more comforting for me to think that I had complete control over my life and the events which would take place. But I now find comfort in the fact that there are certain things which are just meant to happen, good and bad, and I must simply have faith in God that these events will go according to plan. This faith, and dedication to listening to what God is telling me will provide me with a life full of divine experiences. Then at the time of my death, I will rise from my body, and return to my home. It's going to be wonderful.

Finding Peace with Uncertainty

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 01:44:34 GMT

The wanderings of my mind have been scattered over the past few weeks but the actual events have been rather straightforward. After a blustery few days of apartment hunting, my mom headed back to Charlotte leaving my dad and I to tough it out alone at the wonderful Residence Inn, which has become like a second home to me. From there I spent two weeks getting started with my dedicated recovery plan. I went to Center IMT on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays, usually from 11 in the morning until six in the evening. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I went to Beyond Therapy at the Shepherd center from 1 until 4 PM. The end of each day always left me feeling exhausted, but I feel like I was always able to get sufficient rest and wake up in the morning ready to tackle the day.

So far participating in two different recovery programs has gone very well. I have not felt over exerted whatsoever, and the two programs actually do a good job of complementing each other. Many times in the past I have put pressure on myself to almost know exactly what it is I have to do in order to achieve the optimal recovery. Instead of just absorbing myself in whatever it is I was doing, I would question what I was doing it, how I was doing it, if I should be doing something else instead, and what that thing should be. I am now in a state of mind where my faith in recovery is so strong, that I'm just enjoying whatever activity I am being placed in. There is no need to try and perfect my road to recovery because I know that the recovery is going to take place and any type of stimulation is a good thing. There may be some bumps in the road along the way but for the most part I'm trying to simply enjoy my present recovery and not worry about future challenges until I reach them.

After two weeks of the recovery plan, it was time to leave and make a trip to Texas to see Francis, the energy healer once again. On the one hand I was very excited to go and see him, but on the other hand I was disappointed to become immersed in my regimen of recovery only to have to leave so soon. The two weeks in Atlanta was good, and I could feel many muscles wanting to fire up, but two weeks just wasn't enough to truly see any significant gains. It was almost like getting the motor started but not pressing down on the accelerator.

Despite these feelings, I knew it was time to get a boost of healing energy once again. I had been putting the trip off for quite a long time and there was no excuses to not make the trip. I convinced my mom several weeks ago to come with us because I really wanted both her and my dad to get healing as well. It took us a solid two days to drive down there, yes we drove, but the trip went very smoothly. I saw Francis once a day, for five days, each session lasting about 10 to 15 minutes. Two of the days was one-on-one healing, and three of the days were group healings involving my parents as well.

It is hard to explain exactly how these healings make me feel emotionally and physically. It is always a very spiritual experience. I feel a very deep connection to a power of which I cannot explain but touches me in a way that lets me know that there are forces at work much larger than I've yet to consciously perceive. Most of the time a warmth enters my body and seems to spread from my chest into my arms and down through my toes. After some time a heaviness overwhelms me and my head seems to droop. I then usually get the feeling of relaxation and almost exhaustion as I want to fall over into my lap. It is usually at this point that the session ends.

Francis tells me that as long as I come to see him that I will walk again. When he tells me this, I know that he speaks the truth. His words ring of pure spirit, and everything in my gut tells me that he is the most good-natured, kind, and loving spirit whom I have ever communicated with. Seeing him not only revitalizes my faith in my future of walking, but cleanses my spirit and awakens my inner knowing of God and all the heavenly spirits around us which are guiding and helping us travel along this path of life. I now plan on seeing Francis every two to three months no matter how much of a hassle it might be. If anyone wishes to know more about Francis, feel free to contact me.

I am now once again at home in Charlotte. My initial feelings were ones of frustration but I have settled down now and I realize that my family and I are in a current stage of major transition and everything cannot happen all at once. It's going to be a series of many baby steps before we reach a point of settling into a specific lifestyle. It looks like I'm going to be here for the next couple weeks and then my dad and I will move into our new apartment shortly after July 4th. My mom will be staying in Charlotte for now, most likely until she gets a job in Atlanta. We did indeed find an apartment that would work for me. Well, sort of. I will not have the luxury of a role in shower but there are many spinal cord injuries out there who deal with tubs and I can do the same. Plus, I'm going to be getting stronger and more independent so my daily life will automatically get easier.

Despite all the great things which have been occurring in my life recently, my mind has actually felt quite troubled. There's a great deal of uncertainty in my life as well as my family, at the present time and I've been trying to find ways to deal with this uncertainty in a healthy manner. My natural tendencies lead me to react to various situations in emotional ways that do not always please me. These emotional reactions usually feel like a bubbling sensation of anticipated nervousness in the pit of my stomach. It is very easy for me to look towards the future and be afraid of what I cannot control, of the things that I must simply wait for in order to find out what happens. Within all the positive things that have been happening to me recently, I I feel as if I'm going through a period of tremendous growth. A period in which I have dedicated myself to trying to change. To understand how to balance accepting myself for who I am but at the same time realizing that there are things about myself which I would like to gain control over.

I wish to rid myself of fear. Is it possible? I don't think it is possible to completely get rid of fear but I do think it is possible to diminish its control. To recognize when fear arises, accept it, and then let it go, replacing it with a more positive and desirable emotion. For some reason or another my mind has become trained to react to many situations with fear but I ask myself if it is possible to change the natural reaction to one of excitement, hope, faith, and confidence? I have been practicing this through various methods over the past few weeks and I'm finding that it is completely exhausting. I could wake up feeling the emotion of fear one morning and spend the entire day replacing this fear with something more positive. It always happens eventually, but the fear is so easy to find again. I have been conditioned to keep fear easily accessible on the surface of my mind whereas hope and faith are deeper down, waiting for me to find them. I wonder if I can create a role reversal? Bring hope and faith to the surface and let fear dwell somewhere deeper only emerging when absolutely necessary. How possible is it to change? How much of our emotions are simply who we are?

I believe dedicating oneself to changing is not easy and I do believe that all of our traits are part of who we are, but this does not mean we cannot change them and become who we would like to be. There is an essence within us which is full of joy, happiness, and bliss. Why should I exclude myself from being able to find and live through this essence? People think it's natural to live in discomfort. That it is just part of who we are and we must accept it. I do accept my discomfort as part of who I am, but I also accept that in the midst of being who I am, I can always become someone better.

I am a divine spirit. I am not afraid of uncertainty and I am looking towards the future with faith and courage. Life is not chaotic. There is reason and purpose in everything that we do. God... quiet my mind and open my heart to the love, joy, and bliss of this life. Make me an instrument of your will. My will is your will, and your will is mine. Let us create all that we desire.

Training the Mind

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 19:24:19 GMT

I was thinking the past few days of life with a parents and I, would make a fantastic reality show on HG TV. My mom ended up getting a job interview at a hospital here in Atlanta, so my dad and I came along and made our phase 1 move about a week in advance. We were not supposed to be in Atlanta until today actually, but our early arrival enabled us to begin our search for the perfect apartment. After three long days of searching, I finally realized that the perfect apartment doesn't exist.

Now if I was a completely restored able-bodied person, then finding this home of perfection would be quite easy, but unfortunately right now I am a disabled person living in an able-bodied world where the focus is not on us folks on wheels. Over and over again, leasing agents showed us apparently accessible apartments with tiny little bathrooms. The only thing “accessible” pertains to in these places, is if I can get in the door not.

I knew coming into this thing, that my way of life was going to change quite a bit, and I was not going to have the luxuries of my beautiful roll-in shower and gigantic living space. However, I did seem to think that I could find a place where at least maneuvering abilities were efficient. I'm not saying we did not find anything, but each place we have found has many positives and negatives attached, and trying to make a decision has involved many conversations where the scales continually tip from one direction to the other.

I have trouble with constantly doubting my decisions. For some reason I fear that I'll make some horribly wrong decision which will send me hurtling down a path of destruction. In the past I've continued to make these decisions despite my fear and over and over again things continue to work out. But each time a new decision appears in my life I once again feel the weight of burden. I know that doubt and fear are so unnecessary in life and not only weigh you down in the present moment, but can actually lead to creating less potential in the future.

My latest book has been "The Laws of Thinking", which teaches what the author calls “informed faith”. So often people in life throw up their hands and say, “I'm leaving it up to you God”, and then sit back and wait for the miracles to occur. However, I'm beginning to learn that faith also involves a training of the mind. Developing an ability to quiet thoughts and truly listen to God. Creating a mind which properly envisions a future so that creation is free to blossom and potential can be reached. It is not solely up to God concerning whether or not we achieve our desires. It takes a collaborative effort because we in fact are God, and therefore we have the ability to create anything and everything which we can imagine. What we want already exists in our minds and it's up to us to create what we imagine.

All of us actually create things each and every day we are alive, most of the time without even knowing it. But because we don't know about our creative abilities, we are creating things which we did not necessarily want to exist and instead of following the path God has ordained for us, we are led astray. God wants to bless us with achievement, wealth, and success but it's up to us to listen, find the path, and have the courage to follow it.

One of the final lines of the book hit home with me and stated that we must settle the past, live and focus on the present, and look towards the future with faith and courage. In the past I have been very Buddhist, and have let emotions come and go, trying to experience all of them with the same love and acceptance. I'm sure it was necessary for me to do at the time but right now I am taking quite a different approach. In order to create the future I want for myself a trained and focus mind is necessary, where I am constantly in tune with spirit and conjuring thoughts incessantly which will create a future of success and achievement. These thoughts do not include doubt, worry, and fear. Whenever these unwanted emotions occur I turn inward and repeat thoughts in my head which provide me with inspiration, focus, and peace of mind. Most of these thoughts remind me of my true essence, such as “I am a perfect spirit”, “I am one with God”, “I am a divine creator”, and “I am God”. Other thoughts include “There is no fear, only God”, “I am courageous and self-confident”, and “I am manifesting the future which I desire”. Above all else, I am holding on to my vision of walking again. It is important for us to envision what we want to create so that it may manifest in our lives. Everything which is created begins with a thought. That's why it is so important to train our minds properly in order to succeed. I believe that if I focus on my ultimate vision of walking again, and maintain the faith and courage necessary to achieve this goal, then everything else along the way will simply fall into place.

I have listened to God and he is telling me repeatedly that I walk again. This one vision stands alone as the one which I know God wants for me. Nothing else at this point has clearly manifested in my mind. Therefore I focus on what God has ordained for my life and my faith in this manifestation will allow God to work his magic along the way. I must simply fulfill my role as a cocreator, have faith in my future, and follow the path which is laid out before me each and every day with courage and confidence. If I'm able to train my mind to do such, then nothing can stop me.