Colin, You don't know me, but i have been checking your blog now and again for a few months now. I am on a similar journey as you and have found your words echoing my own struggles and hopes. A friend and I were just talking about how easy it is to let ones self feel sadness and pain over happiness. (I call it going down the rabbit hole). I feel I was drawn to check your site today and read this particular entry. Thank you so much for your courage and grace.

So true! and in the first paragraph though I thought of young children again - the way that they do have this natural way of balance - yes, disappointments but in a few moments they are back doing something that brings joy and is making them and their spirit present. I constantly learn from children - from before the times when a learned response to beating ourselves up over things and the many learned responses that replace love with fear. I love this time of year - I absolutely love January and February - there is something centering about this time - something that feels and pulls me towards being more connected to my soul and heart and therefore peace. There is a stillness right now where I live due to all the snow but even without the snow this time of year is quieter feeling. In the quiet hushed tones there is that whisper of comfort that this is life and life really is beautiful. In 2009, despite what is happening in my daily life or with my recovery, I have decided that I want to be more joyful. I do not mean laughing all the time but that I let laughter come easier - that I notice "the gifts" even in the moments of fear and confusion that as you said you write in a journal or somewhere or being quiet and just listen to the heart and surprisingly slowly and not always but more than expected little answers or understandings form. I love how that happens - it is why I love journal wrinting even though I don't expect it every time. Writing in the quiet of the morning - sort of before my brain actually woke up - I got to some core issues the other day that have been really at the base of a roadblock for me. It wasn't hard to write because I didn't judge it as it flowed out rather I was surprised by it. It was as if I was telling myself something that I didn't really know. That sounds bizarre but it was kind of a bizarre feeling all the way around - though it could have been upsetting to realize the roadblock, actually being able to identify it through this process was freeing! I felt stronger and more ready and actually excited to move forward with progress. The roadblock was there but I didn't really know it besides a restless feeling of uncertainty - writing didn't solve it but somehow understanding where the uncertainty stemmed for me at this time (it could be different tomorrow!) did help tremendously. But then there was this balance - as my brain did wake up for the day, I remembered my desire to embrace joy - so I was suddenly educated on a root thing to work on but back to the present as well. I share this just because it was new and your writing in the previous entry must have reminded me of it. I'm babbling! it is so good to read what you are thinking about - it is so helpful - you are such a good teacher - honestly have you ever thought about "life-coaching" you do it naturally. You are great. As always, my best and dream big! patti

How wonderful to just see that "Natural" is just another idea and belief and we are not bound by them. That which sees or knows these belief is already free!

My thoughts and prayers are with you Colin.