The Power of Tragedy

Things seem to be going very well for me lately. I feel like everyday I wake up I'm a little bit stronger and more connected to my muscles than the day before. I'm constantly working on my walking patterns flexing my glutes and abdominals, connecting them to my shoulder muscles. I close my eyes and send waves of energy down my spinal cord and then let it spread throughout my entire body. I am realizing more and more these days how important it is to realize my own personal power to heal and create. It is true that it is very scary to accept that we are powerful beings capable of tremendous achievements. It is hard to accept that we are capable of so much because suddenly it reminds us of an opportunity to fail rather than an opportunity to succeed. There really is no such thing as failure however, because it is the effort which counts, the desire to grow in our own empowerment and become more evolved spiritual beings. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. What is the point of free will if it contains limitations?

So I move forth, forgiving myself when I feel I have fallen, and congratulating myself on my creations whether they are expected or not. I allow myself to be confused and to not understand, because I realize that there are certain things which can only be known to the soul and I trust in this secret knowledge within. I do my best to allow the love in my heart to grow, the key to my empowerment, but understand that perfection is not the goal but the path is the journey, the creation. For it is never the destination which God resides, but every moment of creation from now until infinity. An endless stream of loving creation which is God.

I know that I am recovering. I can feel it in my bones, and my muscles, and in my heart. I can see it in my improvements day to day, connecting to my back extensors, standing up straight, sitting with more confidence and seeing the small improvements in various exercises. As time passes by I can tell that recovery is speeding up and I know that one day all of the strength I feel will come together in a remarkably functional way. I must continue to know that this is my destiny and not allow the fear which tells me I am not capable, I am not good enough to overcome me. I must never give up on myself.

colinem22@gmail.com

I am sorry to all those who may be wondering where I have been. For some reason these days it's hard for me to sit down and write. I have been much more inclined to open up the file to my private journal and let loose all of the emotions which lay bottled up inside of me. When I was first injured I used to be incredibly open and honest in my blog but slowly over time I became more and more private. Maybe in the beginning I felt like I had no identity to protect. I had just broken my neck, paralyzing 90% of my body, and everything which I thought I was, disappeared. Therefore I felt free to discuss anything and everything because none of it was really me, it was just a dream, a dream I felt the need to share.

There is much more going on in my life than simply paralysis. The paralysis certainly magnifies everything else and unfortunately adds whole new elements of fear to all aspects of my life. More than anything I'm tired of being afraid. I am currently reading the book, "Conversations with God". I have only just begun and I'm finding I have to read each section at least two or three times to get a grasp of what is being said. The beginning is highly philosophical but very powerful and the words resonate strongly with me. It is said in the book that the only two emotions which exist are love and fear. Neither can be known without the other's existence. In order to know what love is, we have to experience fear. In order to know what fear is, we must experience love. Therefore, I'm wondering if I possibly have a better chance of truly knowing love because of all the fear I seem to experience.

Now even though I talk about being afraid a great deal, I feel like I also contain a great amount of courage. I am what I call a courageous coward, someone who is utterly afraid but refuses to back down in the face of fear. Sometimes it can be a great flaw in my persona and other times a wonderful attribute. I may have been wrong to face fear the day I stood on top of that rock and looked down at the murky water below. My mind and my heart constantly reminded me of the dangers in front of me but all I conceived was a fear that needed to be conquered. So I took three powerful steps, jumped from the rocky surface, plunging into the water below and breaking my neck.

I sometimes wonder if I will be dealing with fear for the rest of my life, and the answer is probably yes. I'm realizing that life is never truly the utopia we always think it should be. Life is not fair, it is not meant to be fair. If life was fair everything which we expected to occur and everything which we wanted would come true. What kind of experience would that be? Certainly not one where any type of growth would occur.

I feel as if I'm currently in a phase of my life where I have a great many desires but as of right now it seems as if these desires are not meant to come true. I continue to feel myself growing older and watching time pass by and I'm constantly reminded of how different my life is than what I expected it to be. In so many ways I feel blessed to have experienced what I've gone through, because it has opened my eyes to many great mysteries of life. It's been kind of a spiritual crash course, forcing me to dive into the great unknown. I was always a questioning personality but I have to honestly say that I would not have sought out the great questions of the universe with such tenacity if this had not happened to me.

My recovery is actually going very well lately. I've had to change my outlook somewhat and focus on all the positive changes rather than the missing parts of the puzzle. Both myself and my family went into this journey with the idea that miraculous recovery was going to occur. I found myself waking up each morning being extremely disappointed that I was not jumping out of the bed. I've gone through some difficult acceptance issues lately, realizing that this may take much longer than I originally thought. This period of acceptance has also led me to think about what I'm currently doing in life, where I am going, and am I making the correct decisions? This is when a lot of fear enters the picture as I question whether or not I am following the correct path and if I am hearing God correctly. I also wonder if I am hearing God but ignoring his guidance because sometimes the truth is hard to accept.

You would think that with all the positive things occurring with my recovery I would simply be happy and continue down whatever path is placed in front of me. However, this is not my personality and even when things are going well I tend to jump ahead to the next issue. It's a constant cycle of facing one fear after another never allowing myself to simply rest and be proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. I am never truly proud of myself really. I'm constantly questioning decisions I've made in the past and what decisions I will make in the future. I wish I could tell you that this whole experience has led me to a complete surrender of the present moment, where I neither resent the past or fear the future, but I cannot say that.

I am honestly in a state of confusion at the present moment. A great deal of time has passed since moving to Atlanta and even though I am a hundred times better off physically than I was two years ago, I am questioning whether or not it's time for a major change in my life. Since moving to Atlanta the whole experience has been a whirlwind, constantly going to therapy, driving to Austin, and in between feeling completely exhausted from the whole thing. Yet I find myself almost addicted to the process, never wanting to miss a therapy session, never wanting to stop attempting to move my legs and flex my muscles.

I would like to completely surrender. Understand that when the time is right I will receive the information I am meant to receive, and make the necessary decisions concerning my path. I would like to understand that life is a journey, every decision, every twist and turn containing meaning and purpose. I would like to understand that there is no right or wrong decisions in life, for every path we travel down contains love and the powerful presence of God. Free will can be a scary concept, the idea that we are in control. I would like to be in control hoping that I can grasp the desires I wish to receive but at the same time I am terrified not wanting to make a mistake and lose that which I reach for. What I fail to understand is that life is a team effort between God and myself, and every decision I make, every action I perform contains great beauty. Whether in success or failure, it all contains a magical quality and is surrounded by the ever lasting presence of love.

I read somewhere that God has no expectations of us. This is quite a liberating thought because so often I beat up on myself wishing that I had more courage or was more accepting of my life and its circumstances. I think about what God would wish me to do and how God would wish me to behave, but now I'm beginning to think that maybe God is just along for the ride with the rest of us.

It is my goal to be walking in a walker on some level by October. I truly believe I can accomplish this feat. My arms are slowly beginning to coordinate with my trunk muscles. My back extensors are kicking in all along my spine but become weaker when it reaches the pelvic area. My muscles are not firing in the miraculous way I had hoped but slowly but surely they are getting stronger and coordinating in the manner that I would like them to.

My recovery is a strange mystery at times. I am gaining muscle all over my body and I always tell people that I am not as strong as I look. If you look at me you see a strong healthy young man who looks as if he could just stand up and walk around. This is not the case however, and I still struggle to do simple functional activities. But I truly believe that all that will change one day. Unfortunately I can no longer admit to say when it will happen. So I will continue to focus on my many blessings and have faith that no matter what I do or where I go, I am loved by God more than I can imagine and there will always be great purpose in my life no matter what I do.

I listen to the rattling of metal and the rubber tires cruising along the interstate at 70 mph. I am run down and tired after another long week of healing with Francis. It was extraordinary as usual and Francis was full of praise for my recovery. "Your absorbing tons of energy Colin!", he exclaimed with his infectious Scottish accent. "Just be patient Colin, you will walk again." The gleam in his eyes and the soft, confident tone in his voice brings me peace and I believe in what he says.

Suddenly I feel the awful feeling of my bladder shouting at me, as it contracts violently and chills run up and down my spine. My fingers tighten up in a vise grip and my back muscles fire with a strong spasm. I grow cold and hot at the same time and my vision grows slightly hazy. "Not again", I think. For moment I try and overcome it but it is no use. "Dad, time for another pitstop."

At that moment the frustration we were both feeling came to the surface. How many times must we come to see Francis? How long is this going to take? When is life going to be just a little bit easier? If only I can move my legs just a little bit, maybe my bladder would function better.

When I moved to Atlanta we all agreed that we would give it two years before making another major decision about the course of our lives. We have all maintained a great amount of faith, waking up each morning with diligence and determination to tackle another day. With trust in God's protection, we pack our suitcases and make the 15 hour drive to Austin, Texas simply because we know it is what we are meant to do. But the months pass, and time seems to be slipping between our fingertips. The two-year mark is lingering in the back of my mind and even though it is still six months away I cannot help but notice how quickly a year and a half has gone by.

A couple days later, after the meltdown on the way home, I began to collect myself and remembered some key points Francis told me. I don't always realize it at the time, but there is usually something Francis tells me which sticks and brings me comfort. This time I remember him saying, "Don't ever give up. Persistence and determination are two of the best qualities one can possess." He also told me to wake up each day and focus on how much more I can feel. He told me to make it a goal each day to feel a little bit more. When I do this, I am actually able to tell that I do have more sensation and awareness of my body each day. He also told me to constantly move my legs and don't stop even when I get tired. Remembering these pieces of advice, I doubled my efforts over the past two weeks. I've been coming home from therapy, resting a bit, then working out some more. In the past, I would never have the energy for this.

I bought my father a workout series over Christmas called P90X, maybe you have seen the infomercials. Even though I cannot physically accomplish the workouts, I do several of them sitting in my wheelchair. My favorite has been KenpoX, a form of karate. I punch, I block, I kick, all from my wheelchair. I watch their movements, and visualize myself doing it with perfect form. I can feel my core tightening up and my legs begin to burn. My heart rate increases, my breathing quickens, and I can literally feel my entire body attempting to come alive.

The entire series of workouts has been an inspiration to me. It is an intense boot camp style workout designed to get you in peak physical condition in 90 days. I envision myself reaching that strata of physical accomplishment because I cannot help but dream of accomplishing my goals with absolute perfection. I do not think it is a fault to dream big because I know I am an invincible spirit capable of creating magnificent things in my life. Why cut myself short? "Do your best and forget the rest", says Tony Horton, creator of P90x.

The frustration I am feeling has led me to reevaluate where I am and where I am going. I still have a great amount of faith that I will be walking again one day but I'm afraid that it may take a lot longer than I once thought. I have always envisioned a miraculous recovery occurring over these two years in Atlanta. I thought for sure I would at least be standing by now and yet the reality is, I have made very little functional improvement. Not to downplay the improvement I have made, because I have made some tremendous improvement, but my expectations are much higher.

It is hard to understand at times but I can't help but notice the tremendous energy I feel flowing through my body. It's as if an energetic imprint is being created throughout my aura, I am just waiting for the day it spreads into the physical body. I put a lot of pressure on myself at times wondering what I must do to speed up the process. My life has very little balance at the moment and I spend most of my time trying to recover on some level, whether it is working out, meditating on my recovery, or diving into my subconscious trying to let go of any hangups I may have.

More than anything right now, I feel a desire to completely let go and simply live in the moment. I wish to have complete faith in who I am, unafraid of whether or not I will do the right thing. Sometimes I look back on my life and I wonder how much was meant to be and how much was under my control? It is a question that I will never truly have the answer to. I constantly find myself pulled in two different directions, wanting to control my life and wanting to let go and surrender.

I am currently focusing and learning on how to drop into my heart space. I visualize my concentrated energy dropping away from my mind and into my heart. As I expand my lungs I feel my heart also expanding outwards into the universe. It is gradual at first and slowly expands to every bit of creation which is in existence. When I accomplish this task, I discover a wonderful forgiveness for myself and a love for who I am. As I forgive and have compassion for myself I suddenly feel a love and compassion for everyone else. I am no longer judging anyone or resenting others' actions, because I cannot know another's path and purpose. Who am I to judge?

It is not comforting to be pulled into different directions. I believe it is much more rewarding and of higher spiritual consciousness to simply let go, surrender, and love. For love is the basis of all creation and through complete surrender to love and service, I can have complete faith that my path will unfold as it is meant to. There is no need to analyze and think myself into oblivion, trying to understand what I must do. All I must do is fall into my heart, feel it expand throughout the universe and love. The task is not always easy and I repeatedly feel myself falling back into my mind, but I lovingly remind myself to go back to the heart.

I wish it was natural to be happy. I wish it was natural to be courageous and to live completely in the moment. I wish it was natural to have faith that God has a plan. I wish it was natural to accept everything that happens to us and to forgive ourselves immediately when we do not act according to our expectations. I wish it was natural to not even have expectations of ourselves.

Instead it is natural to be uncomfortable and frustrated. It is natural to be afraid and to live in the past and the future. It is natural to doubt that life has purpose and there is always a reason for everything. It is natural to fight the natural flow of our lives and to beat up on ourselves when things don't go the way we expect. It is natural to have huge expectations of ourselves.

This is why life is so hard. Because we have come down to this planet to try and achieve everything which is not natural to being human, but natural for the human spirit. The spirit lives completely in the moment and contains no fear. The spirit understands the oneness of all creation and knows that the essence of God is everywhere. The spirit flows naturally with the patterns of life never doubting the ups or the downs, simply existing, absorbing, experiencing, growing.

Forgive me for it has been an unbelievably long time since I've written an update. I previously told my readers that I was attempting to write a book. Initially I made very good headway and out of all the projects I started, this one went the furthest. I initially started at the beginning and then got stuck, so I jumped ahead to a moment of my life that I was thinking about a lot. As I dove into this moment I found myself completely reliving it as I wrote. All the emotions came to the surface and I literally felt like I had gone back in time. Foolishly, after I finished writing this particular phase of my life I took a break. That break has now lasted to this day.

The month of December has been a difficult one. I came back to Atlanta after another visit to Francis the healer about a month ago. It was the most powerful session of healings that I've ever had. I felt as if there was a glowing aura of white light around me and I felt deeply at peace. A week or so later I began to notice significant physical improvements. The stability of my trunk was especially noticeable and I could visually and physically tell huge differences while standing. From the waist up my spine began to become more and more erect.

Two therapists with a good deal of effort help me take steps in the pool. As I take the steps the motion is becoming more and more natural to me and it seems there are visual signs that my legs have strength in them. It is especially noticeable when trying to drive each knee up in what's called the swing phase of the step.

I found myself going to bed each night fully aware that major recovery was taking place and waking up each morning feeling a little bit stronger than the day before. This was all very exciting but as my physical recovery seemed to be improving my spiritual peace and emotional centeredness was dissipating. I was feeling anger, sadness and bitterness coming to the surface. Various emotions and memories which I thought I was over were coming back to haunt me and in the midst of physical improvements I was struggling mentally.

For awhile I found myself completely giving in. All I wanted to do was numb myself from the pain. Then one day I had enough and I decided to face myself. I began to journal constantly. Two sometimes three times a day, I sat in front of my computer and wrote down my personal thoughts and slowly but surely I came to many conclusions. I discovered my own personal power to be aware of my reality and discovered that I actually have many answers to the questions which haunt me. I discovered that there are many things about my life which I can know to be true but there are also many things about my life for which I just don't have the answer. I must be aware of my own personal power while also being aware that there are limitations, and sometimes truth can be mistaken for the storyteller of the mind.

Facing myself and facing these demons has been painful work. I actually found myself becoming nervous before sitting down to write down my personal thoughts, but as they come out of me, answers follow, and I discover a space of peace. As I peel away the layers and discover peace, I find it all leading to one thing, surrender. Surrender is a powerful act, something that is very difficult to accept. So often I feel like I must be in control of my life, and if I let go of this control, somehow my world will come crashing down. I believe surrender will allow nothing I dream of to ever come true. In these moments I remind myself that I must let go of the life let go of the life I have planned for myself and make room for the life I am destined to live.

Life is about our own personal power there for our discovery which can lead to glorious manifestations. However creation must coincide with the doors of opportunity all around us. Unfortunately there will not always be a door available for our desires, no matter how strong that desire may be. Therefore it is important to be aware of all the blessings which are around us and create life in harmony with these blessings. This is what surrender and co-creation with God is all about. So often our desires are so strong that we are blinded by it. We fumble around in the dark searching for a door knob which doesn't exist, desperately trying to open a door which will not open, all the while completely unaware of all the other doors waiting to be found, if only we would turn around and look.

I think blogging has also been difficult for me because I find the things I'm going through very personal. It's not always easy to come out publicly and state my struggles. When I write however, it is very difficult to hold back my honesty. I think writing my book has also been difficult because I am in the middle of trying to accept and let go of my past while looking towards the future with faith and courage, and living in the here and now. I have realized that writing is and will be a big part of my life. We are each given a gift in life and we are meant to use those gifts to serve others. It would not be right of me to deny the gift God has given me.

Creation always happens here and now, in the moment. I've realized that the opportunity to create so often slips away. For myself it is important that when I discover inspiration to write something, I must not procrastinate, and allow that chance to create something special slip away. I hope that I have the strength to be aware when an opportunity of creation is at my fingertips. I hope I have this awareness not only in writing but in every aspect of my life. I want to have the faith and courage to push past fear and create my life with the opportunities God gives me. For I know that God is constantly giving each and every one of us opportunities to create and fulfill our destiny. If only we would stop fumbling around in the dark and open our eyes to the life we were meant to live.

When I am lucky enough to have these moments of spiritual growth and insight, I further realize how connected my recovery is to all aspects of my being. The entire experience of this injury has been like a crash course for my spirit. There's no doubt that the primary purpose of life is to face that which we are afraid of, and there's nothing more scary than ourselves. This injury and all the healing I am going through has made me face myself and all the demons within. I should consider myself lucky for being given this opportunity in such a small space of time. Life is really a rare opportunity, a blessing given to us so that we may grow closer to God. The experience of life is actually a small window of experience in comparison to the infinite time of our spiritual existence. Life doesn't seem like such a burden when thought of in this light.

I am sorry to say to my readers, but I'm not sure how much attention will be focused on my blog in the near future. I buckled down and finally committed to working on a book. I hate to even bring it up out of fear that I might go through another phase of ignoring this desire of mine. Maybe stating it here in the public forum of my blog might add more incentive to actually work on it.

For a long time I was continually thinking about how I would write the book and what exactly I would focus on. The task ahead of me seemed very daunting and so it always would be pushed to the wayside. I also could never quite figure out what I would focus on exactly. If I'm going to put all this effort into writing a book I would like to publish it one day. However, there are many aspects of my life that I'm not sure I want to print copies of and sell to the public. All these questions also made me constantly procrastinate.

Now I have decided that I'm just going to write. Whatever comes out of my mouth will go onto the screen and be saved on to my hard disk. Whatever God wishes me to create will be manifested and no fears will hold me back. The questions I mentioned above continue to arise, but I counter it with the reaction that I just need to keep going and worry about it later. Something tells me that this is something I'm supposed to do and therefore I'm going to do it.

It's refreshing to have something else to focus on besides just therapy and working towards walking again. It has not been an easy task however. Reliving the past has been hard and many times after a long bout of writing, I feel very out of place and disconnected from the moment. I would really like to have some sort of author to be my mentor and guide me through these difficult questions of writing an autobiographical book. If anyone out there would like to give me some pointers feel free to. Or if you can point me in the right direction, I would be appreciative.

Not too long ago I got back from another trip to see Francis the healer in Austin, Texas. It was one of my more difficult trips. Several factors were at play. We had a hurricane to deal with, and we were staying at a new hotel so the familiarity factor was diminished. I also felt like the week of healing was very emotionally cleansing. Several emotions kept arising including anger, sadness, and anxiousness. Many times I felt trapped and out of control of the situation.

On our way home I came down with a urinary infection, the first obvious one in a long time. This coincided with my dad coming down with a cold. When we got home, my sister just had a baby(yeh!), so my mom promptly left to go see her. Once again my dad and I were alone, as we fended off illness. Within a few days I was able to kick my urinary infection. As my dad got over this cold, I began to come down with it as well. I began to do the remedy of Zicam religiously. If you have not tried this stuff, it is a must. It zapped all of my cold symptoms. No runny nose, no coughing. I was left with a headache however and felt very lethargic.

So for two weeks after our visit I felt under the weather. I'm finally beginning to come around but I'm still waiting to feel that huge burst of energy. I know that I am recovering and healing, but the job is very tiresome. Internally I feel like I am recovering tremendously, but the job my body is undergoing leaves me feeling very tired all the time. I feel like I constantly need to lay down and sleep. I'm accepting of this fact recently, because I realize I must listen to my body. Taking naps and resting is a perfect opportunity for my body to heal and recover. In my current state of physical capabilities, I am not meant to be on the go all day long.

I continue to wait for miraculous healing. It's an unfortunate expectation that I cannot shake. There is no doubt that I'm making improvements and getting better. I'm slowly noticing that I'm capable of doing new things and my coordination is improving. It is unfortunate that people cannot see what I feel taking place in my body. I get frustrated at times wondering if I'm constantly going to feel things and never manifest what I feel happening inside of me. It is very hard for me to believe that I will not be walking again. The sensations I feel coursing through me are just too powerful.

Late this morning, I strolled outside and felt the cool wind against my skin. The past few days I have been constantly healing myself. Constantly choosing to heal and realizing what I truly want, which is to heal completely from this injury and have that healing transform my life. There I sat outside, in my manual chair, and yes, without a chest strap. I know myself to be a very stubborn person, and even though not too long ago I found myself in a predicament, fallen over in my lap stuck and calling for help, I still could not bring myself to strap that Velcro around my chest.

With my newfound strength, now and to be, I rolled myself down the ramp with confidence. Yet, I cannot deny that there were nerves, therefore I vowed to be as careful as possible as well as being fully aware of my limitations. I strolled around here and there. Went halfway up the hill and back down again. I discovered a secret sidewalk I'd never noticed before which went behind some storage units. All was well and the cooler weather actually felt nice for once.

After one last trip up the hill and back down again, I decided to make my way back up the ramp. The first several feet are the steepest but I usually have no problem. I got a couple pushes in and began to fill the resistance of gravity. I beared down for another push and my left hand slipped off the rim and the chair came to a stop. My sense of incoming danger heightened as I felt the chair might tip backwards. So I began to let the chair slowly roll backward so I could start over. But as I used my hands to slow the chair down, I stopped rolling and the chair tipped.

I felt my wheelie bars hit the ground behind me and time suddenly froze. There I was teetering between the chair tipping forwards and me falling forward, or the chair tipping backwards and me on the ground. I tried to bring my body forward so the chair would come back to all four wheels but I slowly saw my surroundings rotating as the incline of the ramp pulled my chair backwards.

In seemingly slow motion I let out a few choice expletives and crashed onto the cement sidewalk. I felt my head hit and then I saw my legs and feet hovering in the air above me and then falling to the side. I laid there on my back, looking up at the clouds and the branches of a tree hanging over me. I was quite calm as I breathed in the surrealness of the moment. I wasn't upset or afraid. I was slightly embarrassed and mostly in complete disbelief that I was laying on the sidewalk. 10 seconds or so past before I started looking around and wondering what to do. I really didn't feel like yelling so I thought I would just lay there until someone came. Then I looked over to my left and saw a man standing on his balcony. He gave me the signal that he would be down shortly. Then another man pulled into the space in front of me and calmly came out of his car smiling, "Need some help?", he said. I was quite surprised at how calm and peaceful he seemed about the situation. It was actually quite refreshing.

Eventually my dad and the two men helped me back in my chair. The man from the balcony had seen the whole thing from afar, and actually was laughing at how the whole thing went down. He saw me hanging in the balance, between a safe landing and a crashing fall. I think it may have made his day.

As for me. Don't really know quite what to think about the situation. I'm very glad that everything was okay and I wasn't laying on the sidewalk for too long. I was once told that eventually I would fall out of my chair but I didn't really believe them. I guess the more I recover and improve, the more risks I'm going to want to take. It's all part of the adventure.

The funny thing is, it's my fear which keeps getting into trouble. When someone is around me in these situations I am perfectly fine. But when I'm alone, I'm trying so hard to be careful, that I screw up. It can be quite frustrating that fear causes so much trouble in our lives. I feel like being afraid is always messing things up. I can't perform the way I want to, I can't say the things I want to, and I can't be the person that I want to be. Yet, fear is not something where I can just snap my fingers and be done with it. It is a constant presence in my life. Something I am always facing in some way or another.

More and more these days I'm realizing the importance of choice. In one of my favorite movies, "Rudy", more than anything the main character wants to play football for Notre Dame. There is not a single soul who believes in him, yet he has decided that that is what he was going to do. Because he made that choice and dedicated himself to achieving his goal, nothing could stand in his way and eventually he was on the team.

I believe one of the most important aspects to living a successful life is to know what you want deep down inside and commit 100% to achieving your goal. Once you decide exactly what it is that you want, and begin performing the actions with conviction and determination, the universe will transform itself around your intention and more than likely that goal will be achieved.

Our deepest desires are not just chaotic bits of information flittering about. Our deepest desires are something that has been given to us as a gift and may contain deep purpose and meaning. It is our desires which push us forward in life and I believe we should pay very close attention to what it is we truly want. Because it's quite possible that when we are searching for purpose and meaning in our lives, all we have to do is look within and discover what it is we want to create and create it.

In life God is always presenting us with various options or doors of opportunity, as I like to call them. Every day we are given the opportunity to open a door, walk through it, and transform our lives in some way or another. About two years ago, my parents and I decided that it was time to start opening some doors and transform our lives. From there on out a magnificent creation of life has occurred where I have met wonderful people who have shown me the way and I have created the opportunity to recover and heal from this tragic injury.

Right now the door that is being made apparent to me is the door of healing. I came to the realization that all the other problems and worries which I carry around with me, are rather insignificant compared to my own opportunity and ability to recover from this injury. I have chosen the door of healing and I have truly chosen to heal. At any moment where anxiety and fear arises, I turn inwards and say "I am healing now", and I gather all the divine energy which my spirit contains and begin to heal my body. Almost instantaneously a peaceful feeling comes over me and I physically feel my body healing and recovering. It is most certainly my destiny to heal and finally, after four years of fighting and diving deep within myself for the answers, I am truly beginning to feel my body recovering.

Now I am not saying that miracles are occurring, and I'm jumping out of my wheelchair, but I'm feeling certain physical impacts of the healing which is taking place inside of me. I can feel the muscles around my shoulder blades tightening up and I can see when I look in the mirror that my neck looks longer as my shoulder blades pull my shoulders down. But even as I see these changes occurring, I refuse to be satisfied. Never since being inflicted with this injury, have I ever felt more determined to overcome it. I feel a fire inside of me growing and as I watch the Olympic athletes on TV, I too feel like an athlete in training trying to achieve something which will prepare me for the rest of my life.

I have chosen to heal, and as of right now nothing else really matters. Up until now all sorts of other little problems seemed to be bubbling inside of me and surprisingly they took precedence over my healing. But now whenever that bubbling occurs I remind myself what my destiny is and what I truly want in my life. Everyone dreams in life, but very few people truly choose to chase their dreams. Fears and insecurities constantly overshadow the desire and the willpower to go after what one truly wants. None of us should be afraid to dream and furthermore none of us should be afraid to chase our dreams and accomplish what we never thought was possible. Once you begin to open the doors and co-create the life you are meant to live, dreams become reality and life will begin to transform all around you.

As I begin to settle further and further into truly chasing down what I want in my life, I'm finding that I'm no longer struggling to create moments but the natural moments of existence are appearing naturally. I'm no longer struggling to create the perfect moment but the perfect moment just occurs. It's as if once I truly found my calling and my destiny, life just sort of molds itself around this purity of choice, and things just fall into place.

After my last visit to see Francis in June, I prayed that the healing would result in recovery that truly changed my life in a functional way. Of course it has not happened like I had imagined, but I have accomplished the feat of pretty much doing away with my power chair and solely relying on the manual. It has definitely been a tough adjustment, and has taken some willpower, but I am now at the point where I don't ever want to get in the power chair. It is unfortunate that I have to use it tomorrow because we are traveling to Virginia to visit my sister and brother-in-law, and then making our way to Pennsylvania for a family reunion.

The past few weeks have been very interesting for me. As usual, the six-week mark after seeing Francis brought some shifts and changes. There was one week where I grew very sick and felt as if I had the flu, but at the same time I could feel energy flowing through my body and felt like healing was taking place. A couple days later I was still feeling pretty rundown but much better. I had high expectations that the sickness would result in magnificent changes but was sadly let down. A couple days later I had a revelation. I realized that I was relying too much on outside forces to bring me the healing I desired. My dad had bought a book called, Healing Is a Choice. Without even reading the book the title brought on some significant thoughts. It made me wonder if I had truly chosen to heal. It then made me realize that through all the magnificent help I am getting to heal, I forgot about my own internal power which has the ability to take control and heal my entire body.

So one morning when I woke up, I made a powerful mental decision that I was now choosing to heal. I began to spend every waking minute healing my body, sending energy to every muscle fiber and telling my subconscious that "I'm healing now". Interestingly enough, a few hours later during my workout I grew very sick once again. The same flulike symptoms. I ended up having to leave therapy early, came home, curled up under my covers and waited for the symptoms to pass. A couple days later I was once again fine. I continued to heal myself constantly refusing to give in to any of my attachments which may be holding me back.

The following week, it was intensive week at center IMT. This is when the head honchos come down from Connecticut and oversee healing protocols for the week. After one day of some very powerful treatments, I once again came home and fell ill. At this point I was kind of tired of continually getting sick, and was wondering when it would stop. At the same time I was grateful because I realized that there were some powerful shifts occurring. IMT helped me get through whatever my body was trying to get rid of and I began to feel better. Since then I feel as if my nervous system has opened up and energy is flowing up and down my body freely and smoothly, like a flowing waterfall. At times I lay in bed, and feel as if at any moment I will jump up and be okay. I close my eyes and try and sum up all of my power to get my muscles to awaken.

The more comfortable I get in my manual chair, the more bold I get when it comes to venturing outside and around the parking lot. I don't really like using my chest strap unless I absolutely have to which in many circumstances can be quite dumb. I've managed to go outside and make my way down the 15 foot ramp with a fair amount of ease and not much nervousness. Once in the parking lot however, the risk-taking goes up a notch or two.

This evening I went outside after dinner and made my way to the parking lot. I strolled up and down the asphalt careful to know my limitations and when the various levels and inclines surpassed my courage. Not only do I not have a chest strap but I have also taken off my lateral supports which means the only direction I cannot fall is backwards. I decided to make my way up the small hill, testing both my nerves and my courage, but not so much my physical capabilities. I am fully aware that I am able to complete the feat.

Once halfway up the hill I pulled into two empty spaces and sat there enjoying the night air and watching people pass me by. A car then pulled into a space not too far from my vicinity. It just so happened that a very cute blonde hopped out. The corners of my lips curled upwards and a twinkle in my eye appeared. I attempted to make solid eye contact but only got a passing glance. She slowly made her way up to the mailbox. A myriad of thoughts began to appear in my mind, as I gave myself a peptalk on what I should do. I surveyed the environment and discovered that I could push my way diagonally up the hill, to a small ramp and a sidewalk. There I could probably intersect her path and who knows? Possibly meet the woman of my dreams?

My heart rate increased and my breath quickened, and I suddenly realized that I did not have the courage to perform the maneuver. I once again attempted to make solid eye contact but my efforts were in vain. I had the sense that she looked at me out of the corner of her eye but I can't be sure. My presence definitely did not go unnoticed.

Slightly frustrated with myself, I decided to see if I could have made it over to the sidewalk if I wanted to. The risk factor would significantly increase, but I was feeling bold. I made my way up the hill no problem but as I approached the ramp things turned tricky. I made it to the handicap space and then turned my chair sideways to make my way towards the sidewalk. The pavement was rather uneven and I knew as I pushed forward my chair would begin to turn towards the left, either leading me into a curb or into a parked car. I decided to go for speed hoping that the momentum would keep me going straight and my right hand would guide the chair in the appropriate direction.

I gave a solid push and began to roll forwards. The chair began to slightly angle towards the left so I digged my right hand into the push rim, but the chair continued to go left straight for a curb. I flung my left arm behind me and hooked onto the push handle. I leaned to the right and used my bicep to grab ahold so I could turn away from the curb. Slowly the chair eased away from danger and I let out a sigh of relief as the chair angled towards the ramp, but an unexpected issue arose. My footplate suddenly hit a 2 inch lip in the ramp and my upper body went flying forward with my left arm still behind me. My chair stayed put but there I was fallen over in my lap and I couldn't get up.

Anxiety and panic, instantaneously emerged. I knew people were all around me but were not in my eyesight. I looked towards all the mailboxes and began to holler for help. "Help! I need help!" I continued to holler but no one was emerging to save me from my predicament. I looked to my left and saw a woman a hundred yards away walking down the sidewalk. "Excuse me! I need help!" I yelled, but she didn't even turn around and was gone. Then I looked up and saw a car pulling in. A woman emerged and I began to yell again. "Help! Mam! Could you help me!" Busy with her cell phone conversation she amazingly did not hear me. I continued to yell. Then almost out of sight she turned and began to look around. "Finally, someone heard me" I thought. As she began to piece together what was happening an Indian gentleman appeared out of nowhere with his young daughter. "I've fallen and I can't get up", I told him. He helped me up and my heart slowly stopped pounding and all anxiety turned to gratefulness. "Thank you so much", I said. He was a humble hero and did not say much but I was truly grateful. He helped me put my chest strap on and I made my way back down the hill and into the apartment.