The Power of Tragedy

Why am I here? Where am I going? What is my purpose here? Am I making the right decisions? Is everything under control? Do I have free will and am I using it appropriately?

All of these questions and never will I find any of the answers. Time and time again I can read and I can meditate but never will I reach a point where I can answer these questions and know that I am right. Time and time again I will always come back to the beginning and realize that I know nothing at all. It is very frustrating for me at times to know that there is so much going on around me and that nothing is what it seems to be. As a human in my current mental state I look around, judge my situations and perceive my life in certain ways but it is nowhere near an accurate depiction of true reality. All these things are happening around me and I have no awareness of what it is. It's as if my awareness of God brings about a complete state of confusion, because I have absolute faith that He is there yet have no understanding of what He is.

At times I feel lost and alone as I look around me and observe people going about their lives. As I observe I sense something large and magnificent taking place, and nobody else seems to notice, so I feel alone. Then in my loneliness, I try and grasp what it is that I sense so that I may feel at peace. I suddenly realize that I have no idea what it is that I'm aware of and I feel lost. Confusion overcomes me as I realize that I'm stuck between two places. The place where I am completely absorbed in the illusion of attachment to the material identity of myself and the place place where I have an understanding of who I really am. Not being absorbed in illusion and still not knowing who I really am I feel as if I am hanging in space with nothing to hold on to.

Not having anything to hold onto may be exactly where I need to be. Knowing that I cannot fully understand the true meaning of my life, I attach myself to nothing, freeing my spirit to just be. But as I hang in space with nothing to grab ahold of, I am still flailing my arms around desperately seeking something to grab. Instead I must let my hands and feet relax and dangle in space, and simply float with the rhythm of wherever it is that I am. I am not there right now however. Right now I look around me and I feel scared. Scared because no matter what I do, I'll never really know what is happening to me and what it all means.

So do I give up? Do I throw in the towel and stop looking around trying to make sense of it all? The answer of course is no. No because as I continue to look around within and with out, in one instant, one fragment of time a flash of light can occur and I will know. I will not know so that I can write down and explain. But I will know in a way that needs no explanation, for God cannot be understood through knowledge. He can only be experienced. So therefore, I continue to open my eyes as wide as I can and let everything around me and within me absorb into the core of my being. I experienced this life, the confusion, the fear and anything else which may arise. Always knowing that even if I can not understand, the purpose is there.

I'm not sure where all this is coming from. Even the things that I'm writing now don't make sense to me. I've been in a state of frustration lately. I feel myself recovering slowly but surely, but so far no independence has occurred and I'm starting to feel my life pass me by. Even though so much growth has occurred since my injury and I've learned so much, in many ways I've been lazy. I have constantly been waiting on recovery to start living my life. I have found a great deal of peace over the past few years, but this inner peace has not resulted in a state of happiness. Happiness is fleeting, and just another emotion which comes and goes in life, but it is one emotion I wish I could feel more often. I'm tired of finding peace in fear, peace in confusion, and peace in suffering. I would like to know what it feels like to be unbelievably, ridiculously happy.

Knowing that deep down I am not all that happy, I wonder what the smile means which I flash to people on a daily basis. Am I being fake, just giving people what they would like to see? I don't think so. I think my persona comes from a state of joy that I feel. A contentment that I am here experiencing something mysterious and magical, and the gratefulness of just being alive. Or possibly I am just being hard on myself, and I'm much happier than I think I am.

Who knows? Processing my thoughts has not been easy for me lately. I've been bombarded with all these questions that are swirling around in my mind like a tornado never settling down so that I can clear away the wreckage and make meaning of it all. At the same time there seems to be a great deal of energetic shifts occurring in my body. I feel as if I am taking on more oxygen and my brain and lungs haven't quite figured out what to do with it yet. I feel anxiety over come me wanting to jump up and run around the block. My legs feel as if they want to move in every which way, but straps seem to be holding them down. I feel tightening sensations in my trunk and upper body as if they want to come alive as well.

Over and over again I feel as if miraculous recovery is about to occur. I told myself that this time I would just observe and be thankful for what is happening. I would not set myself up for disappointment thinking that something major was about to happen only to discover that I became a little bit stronger. But something is happening to me. Something which I cannot explain. Whatever it is, I am grateful.

It seems like this is the first time in awhile that I have expressed a great deal of frustration. It is hard for me to admit that I am lost without any answers. This usually happens when I come down to a battle of free will versus destiny. What is it that I have control over and what is just meant to be? What is it that I'm supposed to do, and what is it that I just need to let go of? Is life just a screenplay that has already occurred and I'm just sitting in the movie theater watching? Maybe life is a dream which I am actually controlling without even realizing it. Maybe everything which happens in my life is actually being created by me this very second. Maybe if I knew how, I could create everything I ever wanted. But what is it that I truly want?

I have been meditating on thoughts concerning letting go and what letting go means. It began as an external process, letting go of things in my life which I hold on tightly to and try and control. I realized once again that most aspects of my life I cannot control. I have my desires and wants, but for the most part all I can do is my best and then accept the rewards which come my way, even if they are not the rewards I expected. The thing with desires is that what we think we want usually isn't what we want at all and once we get what we want we realize it's either not what we wanted or not what we expected so we want something else. We are constantly striving to achieve that one thing which we desire but are only left chasing one desire after another.

I think the truth is that we never really know what exactly it is that we want, so it is impossible to strive after something so unsure, so uncertain. That's why it is best to want only that which occurs or is meant for us to receive. But I will be the first to admit that it is not possible to completely rid ourselves of desires, hopes, and dreams. If we did not have these things what reason would we have to act each day and move forward towards a destination. Yet it is important to understand that as we move forward, creating wants and desires, that the end result will not be what we expected, or what we wanted, but it will be something created that was meant for us to create. Therefore we should feel blessed and grateful to receive the fruits of our actions, for we can be certain that it is something needed in our life in order to fulfill our ultimate purpose. We can work with life instead of against it.

As I went through the process of understanding letting go I further realized while dictating in my personal journal that letting go is actually not an external process at all but more of an internal one. I do not need to let go of people, places and things but I need to let go of myself. I need to let go of the self that believes I deserve specific circumstances. The self that tries to control and formulate aspects of life because I believe it is what is meant to occur. The self that believes he should be loved by everyone, granted all desires, and liberated from all suffering. I must let go of "me" and embrace a gentle understanding, and loving appreciation for all which occurs in my life. The tears, the anger, the gifts, the joys, the trials, the confusion, the laughter and the love. I need to step outside of the "me" and become a gentle observer on the outside looking in, softly touching all that arises in my life with a tender understanding that every moment is a divine, God created miracle.

Life is a magically orchestrated plan, put in place at the birth of creation where each and everyone of us is playing a role. With this in mind, one can step back and discover a divine love for everything which encompasses the journey of life. All the emotions, all the actions, and all circumstances can be looked upon as the manifestation of a miracle. In so letting go of "me" does not involve becoming a rock and shedding off all disappointments, walking around with a suit of armor. Instead you shed the pieces of armor away, and let life hit you right in the heart, right in the place you thought you always had to protect.

I feel I've always had a very open heart. I freely give it away and open myself up to others. My problem is that my open-heart comes along with expectations and a sense that my heart deserves something. The controlling self quickly comes into the picture needing, wanting, and envisioning a reality that doesn't exist. Instead I must open my heart and and let accurate reality, the pure moment, receive my heart without attachments. As soon as the me becomes involved, controlling, conniving to get a certain reality to occur, it is time to step back and once again let the miracle of divine manifestation take place.

One situation which I have been holding onto with a firm grip has been the vision I have of my recovery. It is a fact that I'm going to walk again but I discovered that I'm forgetting to be grateful for all the blessings I am receiving along the way. I recently have had a surge of strength. I consistently have these moments were I feel physically sick, almost flu like, and then I suddenly feel better and a surge of strength takes place. I always half expect muscles to suddenly wake up and to come flying to my feet. Instead I get an overall feeling of stabilization, more muscle tightness, and more feeling of energy flow. I've been so focused on becoming this miracle boy that when I see the improvement I shrug it off and complain about the slowness.

I cannot forget to remember how blessed I am to be in the position I am in. To come as far as I have come, to have the destiny, and even the opportunity to recover and feel the earth beneath my feet again. I am probably three to four times stronger now than I was a year ago yet I so easily forget this statement because of expectations of a miraculous recovery. I do believe that tremendous recovery is destined for my future, but this does not take away from the beautiful moments where I feel the internal healing taking place and small steps of improved strength along the way. Every moment is a miracle, every moment is beautiful and nothing which happens in our life should be considered ordinary.

The beginning of March is here and in so the warm sunshine of spring peers through the window pane. As I feel the warm sun on my face and notice the crisp, cool wind transforming into a comfortable breeze, I feel the rejuvenation of life in my veins. My energy and my motivation reaches a new level and I look toward the coming months with great hope and determination. I feel a sudden urge to break through the confinements of my small apartment, face my fears and seek out the many adventures which lay at my fingertips.

Winter so easily sneaks up on me and seems to tie me down with ropes and twine. Without even realizing it my mind is muffled, my heart restricted, and my exuberance muted. Then in another instant, spring sneaks in through the back door and I feel a rebirth occurring as if I'm coming out of my winter cocoon to face the world again.

My social life has suffered a great blow since my injury. I blame much of this on my lack of independence and the many limitations I suffer from because of my disability. The limitation which always speaks loudly in my realm of fear is my inability to drain my bladder. At this point I pretty much rely on my dad always being there when I need him to help me release the fluids. This unfortunately does not allow me to be anywhere by myself for any long period of time. My fellow more experienced spinal cord injuries will tell me that it is possible for me to learn how to do it on my own and I feel a sense of guilt thinking that maybe I am holding myself back. Then I think through my circumstances and I foresee all the complications and aggravations. Many spinal cord injuries will undergo treatments of medication or various surgeries in order to have independence in this area. I however refuse to do so because of my vision of recovery.

Nevertheless, despite my challenges and barriers, spring has once again brought forth a motivation to do things, meet people, and see new places every chance I get. At this point that may involve dragging mom and dad along or limiting the scope of my adventurous vision because of my physical limitations but I can be certain that these modifications are not permanent. One day I will be able to head out the front door on my own, one man, one individual, facing the world alone.

Recovery, how is the recovery going? Such a wonderful question and I wish I had a wonderfully answer. There is definitely things happening, this I can say for sure. I can feel it physically whether it be pulses of energy flowing down my legs, feeling tightness in my quads, burning sensations in my chest or noticing a sensation of strength in my scapular muscles. There's also a sense of knowing within my spirit urging me to be patient, have faith, and to expect a grand reward for my diligence and dedication. I can sense these things and I can feel it in my body, however I've yet to see as much as I sense and as much as I feel.

I am of course excited and encouraged by the strengthening I'm undergoing and all that I can feel occurring, but at the same time I do get discouraged wanting to see the benefits of all the healing that is happening. As of right now my parents are doing practically the same amount of work taking care of me that they were doing two years ago. In my mind it is time to release them of atleast some of these burdens. It is time for me to realize myself as an individual once again and break free of the binds which hold me down.

It is only been two weeks since I saw Francis last yet I already feel the healing energy shifting and attempting to make major changes. I feel like my trunk and shoulder muscles are finally beginning to connect with one another. When I pull down my shoulder blade I can actually feel the muscles connecting through my mid back, down into the lower parts, and into the glute muscles. It is not quite as obvious but I also feel this connection between my chest muscles, abdominals, and my hip flexors.

There is a crossing pattern which Sue Leger, at CenterIMT, is always impressing upon me as very important. It is basically the pattern of walking which most of us use on a daily basis without even realizing it. It is also used in all the movements which one makes throughout the day. Muscles are never used in isolation and are always involved in a pattern of muscular movements which have been stored within the spinal cord and brought to life through the miracle of consciousness with practically no effort at all. When I practice this pattern I pull my right shoulder blade down and then tighten my left glute. I then pull my left shoulder blade down and tighten my right glute. I do the same in the front, tightening my right chest muscle and pulling my left knee up. Tightening my left chest muscle and pulling my right knee up.

When I imagine my ideal recovery I usually picture muscles suddenly coming back to life with 100% strength. I'd wake up in the morning and suddenly I would have my chest muscles, or my rhomboids or my lats would kick in. This has not been the case however, and when I feel recovery occurring it seems to be spread out over my entire body, increasing the strength of patterned movements. This does not result in sudden functional movement but I feel a stronger connection to all parts of my body. I believe that this type of recovery I'm experiencing provides great hope for the future, because it ensures that my healing is not going to involve some muscles here and there coming back to life, but a restoration of all body systems, returning me to a normal state of human functioning.

I of course do not need to get overly analytical concerning exactly how my recovery is going to occur. I know what's going to happen so therefore I should simply focus on the changes that are happening now and have gratitude for the changes. I have very high excitations for my future recovery and so sometimes I forget to be thankful for all the little changes along the way. There is no doubt that over the past couple of weeks I've seen increased strength in my upper body and trunk muscles. In sitting I am beginning to be able to support myself with one hand while doing various movements with the other. I'm also starting to work on actually moving my body around with my arms on a flat surface. The potential for doing this can definitely be seen although I have not accomplished the feat as of yet.

As a big fan of Buddhism I stray from the ideals when speaking of my recovery. According to Buddhism one should live in the moment and realize that the future cannot be known for certain. I've struggled with this in the past because I believe that many times you must know something is going to occur in order to create it. Yet I also know that the future is greatly unknown and trying to pick how future events are going to occur can lead to much suffering. Through my experiences I've come to realize that there are future experiences which we can have faith will occur but it is not up to us to pick and choose what to have faith in and what not. Faith is something that you must seek out and find, and suddenly you'll find faith finds you. Then something that was once so hard to believe in, becomes quite easy.

It was once very hard for me to believe that I was going to recover. But with courage and determination I stepped out of my front door and began to search for the possibilities. Over time as my search continued a tiny seed of faith within began to grow and flourish. Through my search and dedication I found the faith which I had been looking for. It's quite possible that I could have found faith in something completely different than my recovery but God has blessed me with the path which I was seeking along.

I have once again returned from another long journey to Austin, Texas to see Francis the healer. The two-day drive used to bother me and would frustrate me to the point where I wasn't always sure that the trip was worth it. But with each consecutive trip to see Francis I further realize how important he is in my life on all possible levels including the physical impact I know he is having and will have on what is now a broken body.

It is truly amazing to me the power of healing energy I can feel during the healings. Once upon a time I was not sure if I could even feel what was taking place. But now the healings have become so powerful that it is undeniable that a healing energy is coursing through my veins. Monday I experienced the most powerful healings I've ever gotten. Francis says I am like a magnet now absorbing incredible amounts of energy, double the amount that I absorbed during my previous visit. With each time I visit Francis the energy is building off of the previous time, opening me up to embrace further healing.

The first night back here in Atlanta I woke up to the sensation of my legs literally sizzling, like hot fajitas coming out of the kitchen. An anxious feeling overcame me, desperately wanting to move my legs but not being able to. At the same time I could feel a burning throughout my trunk muscles and into my chest. Once again, these are all very exciting signs of my body coming to life. Yet I know that I must continue to be patient and not get caught up in too many expectations. I now know that I'm going to be healed but I can't not know exactly when this is going to occur. But knowing that the time will come, there is no reason in getting all worked up about knowing exactly when major recovery is going to happen. I do know however, that I must continue to see Francis. He is the central key to my recovery.

Not only do my visits to Francis have effects on me physically but the spiritual effects are also immense. My faith in God, and in purpose and reason become more clear than ever. I realize I'm a perfect spirit experiencing this life with the purpose of growing closer to God. I further realize that there are no accidents and everything which we experience is part of a divine plan. My love for this life and everyone around me grows. I become more forgiving, more accepting, and less judgmental. I see the presence of God all around me and instead of looking at a person and only seeing flesh and bones, I see a perfect spirit also working through trials and tribulations, discovering the strengths they are capable of in the midst of their fears.

I have realized that you can always fall back on love. Releasing the control I feel I must have over people and over my life, I can love myself knowing that I'm doing the best that I can while fulfilling a higher purpose and experiencing what I'm supposed to experience. I can love everyone knowing that they also are doing the best they can and fulfilling their own purposes. Never should I feel hurt by the actions of others for in some way, shape or form they are helping me fulfill my purpose as well as I am helping fulfill theirs. By this I mean that we all have a role to fill in each other's lives. Many times it is hard to understand what his role is or how we are supposed to act in accordance with this role but that is all part of the plan. Looking within ourselves and learning from each other. Finding a way to see past the material world around us, see past the emotional hurt and pain which feels so strong, and see past the fear attached to human nature and discover the love of God present inside and all around us.

It is my goal to love unconditionally. To love without expectations and without attachments to my own desires. I want to strip myself from the need of approval from others and discover that all the love I need can be found within myself. I honestly doubt I will ever reach that point. It is possible yes, but I can't deny that I do wish to be loved. Yet even though the goal is lofty and seems unattainable, there is no harm in reaching for it. For I believe that is why we are here, to reach for what cannot be seen or heard. Only felt through some sort of premonition deep within ourselves that there is something large, magnificent and beautiful beyond anything we can imagine.

This very moment is a gift, the present they call it, and this gift comes in the form of a teacher. Every moment of our lives, good or bad, is here to teach us in some way or another. We usually cannot fully understand what exactly we are being taught but we can know for sure that all the variables which have brought us to this moment have not just been a chaotic series of events but have been ordained and planned by a higher power. There is great purpose and reason not only in our lives as a whole but also day by day, minute by minute. It is our choice on whether or not we use the present moment to awaken and fulfill our purpose or to put up walls and barriers preventing lessons learned because of fear and ignorance.

I cannot speak in confidence for everyone else out there, but in my own life I constantly find myself reaching out for something else to find peace and happiness. There are fears and demons hiding within myself and most of the time I'm trying to find ways to ignore them or somehow pretend to deal with them. Yesterday I suddenly realized that I have not been fully experiencing the emotions within myself. Once I broke through the wall of fear I realized that I still have a great deal of pain and anger. I sat in silent meditation to experience these emotions in order to let it go but I had trouble finding them. Then coming out of my standing frame, an accident happened in which I tumbled out of my chair and fell to the floor. In all seriousness laying there on the floor actually helped me to find some of that pain I was looking for.

One of the meditations I have been doing recently is called tonglen meditation. In this type of meditation you do exactly the opposite of what seems natural. On the in-breath you actually breathe in the pain and suffering of your life and then on the out-breath you let it all go. It's not about believing that one day I will be able to let go of all the suffering I feel. It's becoming at peace with the suffering and realizing that I can feel the pain and experience it but be able to let it go at the same time. Life is not about finding a certain place in time where everything is okay. It's about realizing that this moment is here for a reason and being able to experience all that goes along with it, all that we feel and all that occurs. Until one truly faces their demons, they will only arise again and again.

I realize that this path is not for everyone. It is truly the path of the spiritual warrior. It is not easy by any means. Sometimes I'll be sitting in meditation, feeling all the pain and suffering of my life. Not that my life has been all that bad but there is a great deal of pain there, as there is for all of us. I find that even when I am feeling good, I sit and look within myself and suddenly I find anger, sadness, and resentment. I sometimes wonder why on earth do I sit here and find all of these uncomfortable emotions? Many times I just want to shut it all down deep inside of me and find some way not to think about it. But then it just sits there and festers and always arises sooner or later. One of my favorite authors Pema Chodron describes it as constantly pealing away the layers of armor which surrounds us. As we face and fully experience all that is us, we slowly peel away layer after layer.

The goal is to fully experience each moment with nonattachment. Most suffering is not caused by the actual emotions or events of our lives. Samsara it is called which is a cycle of suffering which is caused by believing that happiness should be constant. The moment we are happy we think that it should never go away and then the moment it does we are constantly trying to find some way to get it back. A cycle occurs where we are never satisfied. Living in this manner we fail to experience the teachings of this moment and therefore never learn the lessons which we are meant to learn. Instead of pealing away the layers of armor, piece by piece more is added.

I sense an air of negativity in what I'm saying here. Perhaps it's because I've been frustrated with my path as a spiritual warrior. I am tired of the present moment and tired of constantly having to face my demons. So many times I look within and try to accept what the present moment is trying to teach me. With peace I try and except God's will but at the same time I fight it not wanting to believe that this is the path I am meant to take. Yet I realize that the times I'm able to breathe in and breathe out, and experience all that is me, eventually I find a feeling of peace. I find a love, a kindness, and a gentle spirit which is at the core of my being. I find this and I realize that my purpose is being fulfilled.

Faith means different things to different people, but much of the time I'm told that faith means believing in something that can't be proven. For instance I have faith that I'm going to walk again but yet I cannot prove it to anyone. It is simply something I know is going to happen because the thought has been ingrained into my consciousness by some higher power. Yet when I think of faith in my own life, this is not what immediately comes to mind.

When I think of faith I think of living my life to the best of my abilities. Resting here in the moment reaching out to the opportunities that present themselves to me, knowing that they will lead me down a path of purpose and reason. This type of faith requires action and it requires courage. It requires facing all the ugly emotions and not running away from them. It requires facing fears and living through moments which all senses tell me to run away from, to push down into a box, and stuff away in a closet somewhere. It is a faith which allows me to choose without regret, act without worry, and live knowing that my life is in God's hands.

A life without regret would be true if my faith was 100% strong but it is not. I do regret and I do worry. All the time. But as I go forward in faith, I slowly break down the barriers between what I perceive as myself and what is. Facing the ugly emotions, the tightness which wraps itself around my throat, I discover that I can let go and be all of these things which I push away as well as the things I embrace. I can love myself for everything I am, everything I despise and everything I admire. When my life feels like a hurricane I do not need to find a way to calm the storm. I can sit and feel the harsh winds hit my face and all the dirt and grime which crash through me. The torrential downpours can hit me with 80 mph winds and seep into my soul. I can absorb everything which I hate and fear only to discover that beneath that hate lies a love for everything I am.

So often we feel like we need to fix things. Life is not going the way it's supposed to go, I'm not feeling the way I'm supposed to feel, I must do something to change this. It is a common misconception among all of us that we always need to fix, but this is not the case. It is true that we must continue to move forward so that life and energies can fluctuate and flow but everything that is happening in this moment is here for a reason. The emotions we experience, the people who are around us, and the environment we are placed in is all here as an opportunity to grow, learn, and awaken to the presence of God and the unity of love and life that we all share. To push away this moment and what is happening here and now is to push away our purpose. Instead I believe it is necessary to embrace the moment even if it feels icky and uncomfortable, so that we can develop a lovingkindness for who we are and fulfill the purpose of why this moment is here. Only then can we learn from the moment as is our purpose and then slowly be able to let go and settle into our true nature. However, even pushing things away and hiding from what scares us is part of the moment and could be part of our purpose. It's not about frantically running around on impulses, but to choose and act in faith and embracing with love and gentleness all that comes along with these choices.

Everything which encompasses our lives is here for a reason. It is quite possible to embrace all of it and use each moment of our lives as an opportunity to awaken and love ourselves. It is also possible to become bitter and angry concerning how we feel and what life hands us, but even that can be embraced with love. Once you love yourself, that love will grow and touch all life in some way or another, because nothing is separate, and nothing is excluded from the oneness of all life. If you want to change the world, the best place you can start is within yourself.

I am no swami living a life of complete acceptance of all that is. Life is actually not going exactly the way I think it should at the moment. Coming back from my last visit to Francis I was extremely encouraged but was also attached to many expectations. Laying in bed those first couple of nights back and feeling the immense healing taking place in my body, my heart pounded as I thought of the recovery which was in store for me. And so I've patiently waited and find myself continuing to wait for that burst of improvement which I perceive as so imminent. Physically I continue to feel small bursts of improvement. Even in the past few weeks I would feel a surge of healing surface, I than expect huge things, and then the next morning I am slightly stronger. I smile and feel satisfaction in my gains but the expectations are not reached.

I perceive myself as an up-and-coming miracle. I perceive myself as different from other spinal cord injuries even those who recover years after their injuries. But doubt does creep in my mind and I wonder if I'm fooling myself. Will my faith ever be proven? The doubt is then crushed when I close my eyes and discover that seed of faith which has been planted. There is something within me that will not be shaken nor stirred. This does not fully take away from the fact however that the past few weeks frustration has been present as I try and patiently wait for the miraculous recovery which I know will one day manifest. Obviously my recovery is going at the pace it is going at the present time because that is what is meant to be. I can do the best I can, and incorporate all the modalities of healing therapies which have been presented to me. I can continue to open doors and follow the signs which God presents to me. I can do all that I can to ensure that the energies of life flow and I do not get stuck. After I do this I must accept the moment and all that it offers me so that I can fulfill that purpose and learn what I am supposed to learn. Only then will I be allowed to move on to the consecutive phases of my life. I strongly believe in reason and purpose these days. It is quite ridiculous to me to think that all of this is just chaotic, meaningless series of events. As much as I might not like it sometimes, I'm right where I am supposed to be.

As far as my frustration goes it helps to look back and think about what life would be like if I had not moved here to Atlanta and stayed in Charlotte. A shiver actually runs down my spine thinking about it. I would still be completely skin and bones with scapulas popping out like a pterodactyl. I would be getting urinary infections twice a month. I would be cold and tired shivering in my room. Overall I would still be pale, frail, and puny. I would also be living a life not knowing where I was going. I may not be improving as fast as I would like but things are much much better than they could have been.

The Buddhists have a saying that once you find the Buddha, kill the Buddha. I interpret this as once you think you have found all the answers you must immediately destroy them. Once you believe that you have everything all figured out, you attach yourself to the thought that everything is going to be smooth sailing from here on out. Then all of a sudden the hurricane hits, your attached ways of thinking do not work and you are left in despair. On all levels life is a fluctuation of energy, whether it is in the outside world or inside our minds. Each of us has a path to travel and no path is the same as anyone else's. This is true for the path one takes to work as well as the path one takes to awakening in spirit. We can find all the answers simply by looking within and embracing with love.

I just got back from another trip to Austin, Texas to see Francis, the healer. We took Sasquatch, the Van again. I've learned to really love to be out on the open road traveling but now that we've done the trip to Texas about three times now, I'm kind ready to start flying. It is my hope that by the time we are ready for another trip to Austin I will be strong enough to make flying a little bit easier.

Despite being on the road for two whole days, I'm feeling energized and pumped after my week long visit with Francis. With each visit to Francis my healing sessions are becoming more and more powerful. He has told me several times in the past that how well I'm doing is based on how much energy I am able to take in and absorb. I had one group healing on Monday followed by another group healing on Tuesday. Immediately after the Tuesday session was over Francis exclaimed to me how excited he was and how well I'm doing. Apparently in the past I've only been able to take on a certain amount of energy and it usually took me several days to absorb it. This time however I was taking on much more energy and I was able to absorb all of it in a single day! I could not necessarily tell the difference to start off with but just to see Francis get so excited about my recovery was very encouraging. Francis also told me that he can now see much more energy flowing down to my legs and my aura contains more color a good sign of health returning to my body. He told me that I should expect to see new movements occurring very soon and my pace of recovery should speed up rapidly.

Five days in a row I went in and experienced the peaceful touch of Francis has the healing energy of God poured into me. In the past during healings I have felt a lot of warmth but this time I grew very tired during the sessions, sometimes feeling as if I would fall asleep. Then upon leaving I felt the familiar sensation of quiet peacefulness fill my soul. I would then go back to the hotel and sleep for two hours.

By the end of the week I felt very tired but at the same time I felt energized, much different than my past experiences. Usually after three or four days Francis would tell me that I was all filled up and could not take on any more energy. I could tell he was correct because I would get headaches I could feel a lot of stuffiness in my head. This time however, even after five days of healing I was still absorbing the energy. When I would go to bed at night I could feel the heaviness of the energy but most of the time I would wake up and it would be gone.

On the ride home on Saturday the effects of the healing was clearly apparent to me. At the hotel that night muscles in my chest, triceps, and forearms began to twitch. Not only that but my legs felt more alive than ever before! Much of the ride home today I spent focusing on various parts of my body trying to flex the muscles. I could feel the connection growing the more time I spent trying, and I'm confident that these muscles will begin to truly awaken in the near future.

Most of the week was spent going to see Francis, and resting absorbing as much of the energy as I could. My dad had an increase in his workload so there was not much fun to be had. I did get to go in workout at the Brain and Spine Center at the Brackenridge hospital. I love the energy over there and the therapists are very knowledgeable and a lot of fun too. They only get to see me every couple of months so the improvement I am making is always very obvious to them. It's encouraging to get an outside professional opinion from someone who doesn't see me all the time.

In conclusion, I just had an awesome week of healing and I can't wait to see it all manifest in the coming weeks. It usually takes about six weeks for the healing to take full effect but we shall see.

Brainstorming the keys to life and what creates spiritual growth:

Become an observer of the mind.

Realizing we are divine spirits with no limits or boundaries.

Realizing the divine spirit in others.

Realizing thoughts and actions which represent a false sense of identity or ego.

Living in the present moment.

Accepting the past, realizing that the future cannot be accurately imagined.

Accepting the present moment as a gift to love, grow, and discover.

Forgiving yourself for everything you believe you have done wrong in your life.

Forgiving everyone else for what you believe they may have done wrong to you in your life.

Living a life of loving kindness, loving all and serving all.

Becoming honest with oneself, realizing what lifts you up and what brings you down.

Realizing that a higher power does indeed exist.

Realizing that this higher power contains the knowledge of purpose for your life.

Realizing that this purpose cannot be fully understood.

Surrendering that which cannot be understood to God so that he may work through you.

Realizing that this life is a small window of opportunity.

Success and failure should not be so heavy a burden for this one life is microscopic compared to the infinite, eternal Spirit which we live through.

Continuously searching for God, for truth, in patience knowing that only God's grace will grant us peace and faith.

Creating life with God, embracing the present moment and the gifts God gives us and using them to create a path of purpose.

Looking within through meditation, spending time with spirit and with God.

Letting go of the attachment of who we think we are and realizing that we are God.

Last weekend I went to a keg party, with the goal in mind of not drinking any alcohol. I've done my share of partying in my life and never have I been able to be sober at a party and have fun. I've always thought that I needed alcohol to loosen up and have a good time. At this point my life, alcohol and I simply don't go together. It makes me have to urinate like crazy, something I can't take care of myself right now. Plus it makes me very cold and tired. So there I was surrounded by people with cups in their hands filled with cool refreshing beer. Nine times out of 10 I give in to the social pressures and I drink at least one. This time however I stood my ground and not one sip of alcohol did I drink. Then not only did I not drink, but I managed to surpass my inhibitions, let loose and have an enjoyable time. Who would've thought?

It felt good to achieve this goal. I was able to become who I was and not feel like I needed to become somebody else for others to enjoy my company. As I walk along this path of discovery and healing, I find myself discovering who I am. I find myself merging with an essence of Colin, who is not restricted by labels or identities. I can breathe in the moment, find a spot inside of me which contains no worries and live through it. However, in the moment that I find this spot of comfort, many times I find myself searching for drama to attach myself to. It's as if sometimes I just can't accept that everything went exactly like it was supposed to go.

I wonder if it is possible for me to liberate myself from attachment. Free myself from the suffering of desires and the control I try and have over what occurs in my life. Then I say "why not me?" Why is it so hard to believe that I can awaken to the existence of life which carries no burdens and no worries. And as the questions of life circle around my mind, I come back to the knowledge that all these questions may never bring any answers. Yet for some reason as I continued to trudge along, I am granted faith and peace.

I can still remember turning back to God in college. After a long stretch of absolutely no faith, I began to pray. I was a lost soul who craved something larger in life. I craved the knowledge of the existence of a driving force behind everything. I prayed but I could not find it. I spoke to a God which I did not understand. Yet now, I somehow understand that which cannot be understood. And I find God everywhere, and in everything. Unfortunately, this realization is not carried with me in all my moments. I cannot claim yet to be completely awakened to the existence of God.  Yet at any moment, I know it can occur.  Why not me?

Healing can be a powerful thing. The dedication I have taken to healing my physical body has transformed into healing on all possible levels. It has driven me to connect with an essence of myself far beyond the physical. To heal ourselves brings us back to a force straight from the heart of God, the force of creation, the force of manifestation. It is true that this accident has been a great gift. The identity of Colin has suffered a great deal. Everything Colin thought he was, is now gone. But the spirit, the spirit loves the hardships. It soaks up it up like a sponge and grows closer to God with each day of discovery.