The Power of Tragedy

I get frustrated many times thinking about the power of letting go. I realize that letting go has tremendous creative power. I believe that complete surrender and living within the moment has the power to attract all kinds of wonderful things into your life including much of which you have long desired for. The problem which comes with this knowledge, is that the mere awareness of this truth seems to cancel it out. What I mean is, by knowing that surrender and letting go will attract desires into my life, the process becomes more one of manipulation rather than surrender. By knowing that letting go will attract good things in my life, the process of letting go becomes just another manipulative effort to get what I want. Then the entire process loses its effectiveness. Of course to buy into what I'm saying you must believe in the power of surrender and the power of letting go. Something I myself am not quite sure of all the time.

I do believe we have much creative power. I believe we are creating all the time whether we do it consciously or unconsciously. Every single moment we are attracting something into our lives. We cannot help but do it. We think, we speak, and we act, all the while the energy and God is working its magic. The energy, the magic, in fact is God. However, I wonder how much control I actually have over these events? I get frustrated because I believe that through effort I may be able to one day let go and have this control I always seek. Once again if I attempt to let go in order to gain control, the effort is pointless. Truly letting go, truly surrendering, will contain no desire, and no imagined conclusion. It will simply be me merging with God. The after-effects would not be considered.

So during this entire charade of creative magic taking effect, what is my role? I believe I am meant to always strive towards peace and joy. But as I make efforts towards this goal, a constant forgiveness should be maintained. Forgiveness for being human, for the times when I'm not able to surrender, for the times when I know that I may be creating something I perceive I do not want. For how do I know when something is supposed to be in my life and when it is not? How am I to know what I am to create and I am not meant to create? I cannot know. So at the end of this philosophical rambling, I once again come to the conclusion that the only thing I can truly know, is that I know nothing.

Once again it has been a while since my last blog. I apologize to anyone out there who may be disappointed by my absence but I just can't shake the lack of inspiration to write these days. I cannot really pinpoint what it is exactly, except possibly just a desire for privacy or it could be an unfortunate sign of laziness. Whatever the reason, there is nothing wrong about it, it just is.

I have been progressing well lately with my recovery. I cannot say I have been exceeding all expectations, but I am blessed to be seeing changes and a slow incline of recovery. I spent two weeks in Austin, Texas along with my aunt and uncle from Canada. The two weeks was a refreshing change from our normal one-week stay. I actually had time to settle in, meditate, and absorb tons of healing energy. Usually it seems like we are in and out of that town like a whirling tornado. The healing sessions were very powerful and as I sat there absorbing God's energy, I can't help but feel extremely blessed and lucky to be experiencing that moment. My body feels warm and heavy, my thoughts drift into space, and I feel life flowing through my veins. Any second I imagine myself jumping out of my chair.

The first two weeks back in Atlanta were pretty rough. I felt rather disconnected from reality and really tired all the time. I could feel changes occurring but they were somewhat frustrating as my abdominals were tightening up not allowing me to sit or stand up very straight. Lately however, more coordination is occurring and I find myself sitting up straighter than ever before. My circulation has improved immensely since my last Texas trip, and I'm noticing that I don't have nearly as much swelling in my ankles and feet. My entire body feels stronger and I have more sensation in my muscles.

Lately while I'm working out I scream out, "function!" I do this because I desperately want to see all the strength improvement and all this life flowing through my veins, to turn into functional movement. Something that will improve my life, something that will allow me to say that I was doing "this" and now I'm doing "that". I know that it is inevitable but it is frustrating to always feel like it's around the corner and the corner never comes. It will come one day, I know this.

As usual I also continue to constantly dive into the realm of spirituality and self growth. I crave the experience of personal freedom, freedom from suffering, freedom from thoughts which tell me I am less than infinite love. Freedom from fear of the future and freedom from resentment of the past. I crave freedom from thoughts like, "I shouldn't have done that!", and "what should I do!" I want to love this moment with all my heart, and always see the beauty, the blessed creation, and know that it is perfect.

I spoke about Byron Katie in my previous entry. www.thework.com I continue to practice her teachings but it is very hard sometimes to constantly question my fears and inquire into my thoughts. There is always a much stronger motivation to just give in to all the false stories I tell about my life, and others. God is reality and God is good. The one and only story I truly need.

I cannot help but shake the feeling that I have control over my life. It seems a constant theme in people's lives to believe that they have control. "Take control over your life!", people say, but do we really have control over our lives? I think surrendering to the will of God is much more powerful than taking control with the mind, manipulating and charging through fear with wild abandonment. Maybe it works for some, I don't know. I believe that maybe we do have infinite powers to create, but is it our job to discover that power and wield it to our means? Or is it our job to simply love and allow the powers that be simply work through us to serve and discover?

"What should I be doing that I'm not doing?" That thought really gets to me. Wondering if maybe I'm getting it wrong. Byron Katie says that decisions make themselves. We never force a decision to come, the decision always comes when the time is right. It just occurs, like getting out of bed in the morning.

I'm excited to see what occurs in my life and I feel as if maybe I am becoming antsy and afraid because subconsciously I know that major changes are on the way. In my mind I feel as if I won't be able to handle these challenges but with proper inquiry I know that this is not true. History has shown that I am a strong individual who is able to handle anything that life throws at me. Recovery itself can be quite scary. Paralysis has become somewhat of a comfort zone, but I look forward to facing that challenge and I look forward to facing that fear. I can't get it wrong in life because God is everything and God is good. The final story.

www.youtube.com/colinsodyssey  -some new videos.

The book I am currently reading is called "A Thousand Names for Joy", by Byron Katie. Byron Katie is a woman who went through 10 years of depression. She checked herself into a clinic because she was having suicidal thoughts. One day as she laid on the floor, unwilling to lay in the comfort of a bed, she had a realization and discovered that all of her suffering was caused by her thoughts. She realized that every thought she ever had, represented a story based on falsehoods, and through simple inquiry the suffering disappeared. All that was left was, pure joy.

I have read many books that talk about what it's like to be unattached to your thoughts. I've read about what it's like to live in the moment and let thoughts come and go with the breeze, unaffected and unperturbed. Yet in all these books I've never quite understood exactly how to get to this place of joy and bliss. I've always known that it is possible but it seemed as if it could only truly happen through the grace of God. Katie presents a truly living example of someone who is absolutely blissful and can not only describe what it's like to be in this state but also describes how to get there. You can get there by four simple questions.

Is it true?

Can you absolutely know that it is true?  He

How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

Who would you be without the thought?

Whenever you are suffering you can know that it is caused by a thought and somehow that thought is pulling you away from what is, from reality. By asking yourself these four questions suddenly you are diving into the inquiry of what your thoughts mean, why they are there, and how they are affecting you. The results of these questions can be different for everyone, but what it does, is it allows you to see your thoughts for what they truly are and to understand your suffering. Once you begin to understand your thoughts and understand how they cause suffering, you don't let go of your thoughts, your thoughts let go of you. What is left, is joy and bliss.

After you experience the four questions, you do what is called the turnaround. This is when you take your stressful thought and flip it. You'll be amazed how many times the opposite of your thoughts are what is actually true. The turnaround allows you to possibly see the true story or the true reality, rather than believing thoughts that have no validity.

When I first started doing this work I was pretty skeptical, and almost thought myself above it. It was too simple, I thought. However, as I began to inquire more and more into my thoughts, I have slowly begun to feel them drift away. It's not always an immediate change, but simply by acquiring over and over again somehow the thoughts become less heavy. I feel I am butt scratching the surface of all the stories I have in my mind, but it's a wonderful feeling to have a process or a strategy to work through them.

"A Thousand Names for Joy" isn't really about the four questions. It actually concerns the Tao de Ching, which is an ancient text of wise sayings. Each chapter is her responses to the various sayings. It is amazing how much understanding this woman has of reality but not in the way of knowing any exact specifics of creation or the afterlife. Her understanding is more towards the simplicity of living with joy and why it is our natural state of being. Many times her explanations of these confusing quotes are very hard to understand and I am left with a crinkle in my brow, but somehow I'm also left with peaceful enlightenment.

I've come to understand that there is way too much pressure to be a certain way, and do certain things. Byron Katie has helped me to realize that everything is perfect exactly as it is and the best way to achieve something is by doing nothing. I never actually have to do anything, because really all of my actions are just occurring. All this gets very confusing, but most of our suffering is never caused by the actions of our lives but by our thoughts about our lives. Things appear in our lives, and things disappear, and all the while we are battling in our minds what we want and what we don't want. We grit our teeth, bear down and struggle to erase and create, and we think we have so much power. Yet through all the manipulating and all the stress, what did we accomplish? Would everything which occurred have happened anyway without the stress and without the effort?

How peaceful would life be, if we just woke up in the morning and said whatever happens today is perfect? No manipulation, no stress that things turn out a certain way, and surprisingly you would find yourself not sitting around without action, but acting as you've never acted before. Action would arise out of a mind of clarity and everything which was created would be perfect. Not perfect because it is exactly what your mind imagined, but perfect because whatever occurred is what you want, and what you want, is what it is.

In addition, I am amazed lately how truly blessed I am.  Maybe things don't always turn out the way I want them to, and maybe I could have done things differently over the past five years but I have been given a grand opportunity with this experience.  I have been given the opportunity of self-realization, an opportunity more priceless than anything else.  Every experience we have creates this opportunity and that's why every experience is perfect, exactly as it is.

I made it home safely once again after spending a week with Francis the healer in Austin, Texas. A big transition period always takes place after a week of healing. Initially the experience lifts my spirit to new levels and I become more aware of my reason and purpose. I'm also suddenly more aware of the spirits that surround me every day encased within the bodies of human beings. I look around and I no longer see beings of flesh and bone, but rather see spiritual beings each treading a path of life fulfilling their own unique purpose. I feel a sense of compassion for all individuals knowing that there is no room for judgment, remembering that we are all facing our own challenges. In my own life I find renewed enthusiasm to create, explore, and love.

Usually shortly after I arrive home all the healing energy which I received the previous week, begins to shift and arrange itself in my body. Negative energies begin to leave my space, but before they leave it seems I must experience them first. So as I feel the remembrance of love and compassion, I also feel the emotions of anger, resentment and so on. It's rather frustrating to feel so much upliftment only to be followed by less pleasurable feelings.

There is no doubt that through the course of this process I'm undergoing immeasurable growth. I am truly blessed to be going through this experience for it has brought on an incredible opportunity to discover who I am. In my process of trying to recover physically, it has forced me to also recover on all levels. I have discovered such grand attitudes towards perceiving what this life is all about and it's amazing how much I believe in the purpose of life nowadays.

I have discussed lately how I am feeling stuck in life. I'm always wondering what to do and where to go. I discovered one of my problems is that I put too much pressure on myself to figure it all out. Instead of focusing on each day, I put way too much energy on thinking about the future. This past week most of my observations went towards my heart. Instead of resenting the past and fearing the future, I brought myself to the moment and simply allowed my heart to open up.  It is in these moments I feel the greatest opportunity for physical healing to take place.

I do believe that I am a powerful spirit and I do believe that I am capable of creating tremendous things in my life, but I must learn to let go of the need to control all aspects. I always think that I know what exactly it is that I want, but so many times I think what I truly desire evades me. I believe what I truly desire is the highest good for my spirit and I believe the highest good for my spirit will also bring me the greatest joy. By opening up my heart, loving myself for who I am, and loving each moment, I will not only discover joy but I believe suddenly the universe will begin to open up opportunities in my life. Manipulating life does not work but by opening the heart and allowing love and compassion to pervade the senses, suddenly life is harmonious and balanced. Suddenly I will be having experiences that I never even dreamt could occur.

At this point I'm not ready to believe that I can spend every minute of every day feeling joyful and loving. There will be times when I feel down and there will be times when negative emotions are unavoidable. It is in those times that I must learn to not judge but also have compassion for negativity, understanding that life is an experience and I'm not meant to always get it right. Whether I'm feeling happy or sad, I choose love and allow that love to transform me and transform my life.

I realized earlier today one of the main reasons why I just don't like writing these updates anymore. I am not satisfied. I'm not satisfied with where I am in life right now and I'm not satisfied with my progress. I find myself waiting to write, so that I can give some major news about what's going on with me but it always seems like same, old same old. I'm sure that I could change my entire perception and discover that I am going places and I am progressing, but lately it has been hard to change the perception of my reality.

Unfortunately I feel rather stuck in the mud, making physical progress but never being satisfied with what I'm seeing. I see pictures of myself and it just doesn't compare to the vision I have in my mind of what I should look like. I have a poor self-image, there is no doubt about it. Hundreds of people can tell me how awesome I look and how good I'm doing, yet I still look in the mirror and can't help but see someone who is helpless and paralyzed.

I never want to get to the point in my life where I look back and say, "What the heck was I doing that whole time?" I want to be someone who succeeds in life, goes places, grows and discovers. I want to be someone who discovers immense joy hidden in the cracks of life. I want to feel strong and empowered, bold and courageous. I want to accomplish great things, look back and say, "I did that, that was me."

Mostly I have based my self worth the past several years on my attempts to recover. I would be the boy who became a man, and refused to give up, refused to be denied and walked again. Yet lately I feel as if my strong will to recover is not enough to feel worthy. Unable to change my perception and feel satisfied with what I do each day, I wonder if I should make a major change in my life. "What should I do, where should I go?", I wonder. Go to school, move to Austin, get a job. I know that the possibilities are endless, but I lack strength, courage, and decisiveness.

Will the answers just come to me one day? Will my life unfold simply by loving myself each day and allowing the universe to bring forth my destiny? Ideally I would like to live in a state of love for myself and others. I know if I did so, my life would emerge without all of this stress and worry. If I lived in a state of love, I would not constantly be reaching out halfheartedly but spread my arms wide open embracing all that comes my way. Joy would never slip through the cracks but I would be on a collision course with ecstatic bliss.

When it comes to my progress I feel I am regurgitating the same message. Day by day I'm feeling stronger and stronger. Inch by inch, I feel my upper body improving and muscles coming alive. I'm beginning to feel the muscles in my chest tightening with my workouts. I feel energy coursing through my body, feeling that any moment I will emerge from my cocoon in glorious splendor. I walk in the pool with heavy assistance, but my trunk muscles have become more stable. Just recently I achieved walking with one person rather than two. The feeling of walking becomes more normal each week, but remains potential energy and not kinetic.

I should just be grateful for every little achievement. However, I have set my sights high among the clouds, and each night despite strength improvements I wonder, "What can I do now that I could not do several months ago?" The answer is not much. The strength gains have not been enough to result in functional gains. It is a harsh truth but true nonetheless. My family and I continue to believe that one day all of this energy, all of this strength I am gaining will come together in a magnificent way, so much so that even I cannot help but be satisfied. I strongly believe this. I strongly believe that one day I will walk again. But I wonder how long I can keep this up. I know that I can keep going for years and years to come, but what else can my life contain? What else can I achieve?

I did make one achievement yesterday which brought me great satisfaction and joy. I signed up for a waterski clinic organized by the Shepherd center's therapeutic recreation program. It had been a long time since I had truly waterskied. Some of you may remember my stories of waterski adventures in Charlotte, North Carolina. It began with my first attempt on a mono-ski. The terror I felt and the grand sense of accomplishment. Then came the story of getting hit by a jet ski and having to go to the emergency room getting four staples put in my scalp.

Since moving to Atlanta I immersed myself in recovery and have not paid much attention to adaptive activities. Yesterday however, I made the commitment to get back out on the lake and waterski once again. I also made the commitment that I would try the mono-ski. The thought of it terrified me just like the first time I had ever done it. The setup would be slightly different and I would not have much to hang on to besides the cage which I sat in.

The first run I made was with the outriggers attached, pretty much guaranteeing I would not fall. The experience did not bring me much confidence but I knew if I did not try the mono-ski I would regret it. So I faced my fear head on, and as the boat sped off, and lifted me up onto the water, I found myself easily balancing the ski. I made it around the lake 1 1/2 times, before I crashed into the water. I managed to flip myself over onto my back and stared up at the sky. "Why was I so afraid?" I wondered.

I made several more runs after that and fell many times, but it no longer scared me. After I was safely back on land, I asked "Why am I so terrified of things, which I am completely capable of accomplishing?"

Fear dominates my reality, and I can't help but wonder what would I do, what could I accomplish if it wasn't for fear. I am fully aware of two truths in life. One is that my soul has come here for a purpose and a reason. The other is that I am a powerful creator. The two are sometimes hard to relate because on the one hand I am aware that I must go through an experience for the purpose of my soul and on the other hand I realize I have the ability to create tremendous experiences. I sometimes feel as if my creation is unclear because of the smoke of fear that clouds my intention. I beat on myself for not being able to open my heart and expand my glory throughout the universe. I know I am this strong spirit yet I feel I am being held back, possibly by an experience I am meant to have or possibly by fear that I am meant to shatter.

I am here to discover who I am and create who I wish to be. The truth will always be a bit foggy, never truly understanding what it all means. I know that the end result will always be the same which is the loving embrace of God and all that is. Nothing which happens or does not happen is for nothing. It all contains reason and purpose, and everything I do is good enough in the eyes of God, for God is unconditional love. There is no other truth I need to to know.

Things seem to be going very well for me lately. I feel like everyday I wake up I'm a little bit stronger and more connected to my muscles than the day before. I'm constantly working on my walking patterns flexing my glutes and abdominals, connecting them to my shoulder muscles. I close my eyes and send waves of energy down my spinal cord and then let it spread throughout my entire body. I am realizing more and more these days how important it is to realize my own personal power to heal and create. It is true that it is very scary to accept that we are powerful beings capable of tremendous achievements. It is hard to accept that we are capable of so much because suddenly it reminds us of an opportunity to fail rather than an opportunity to succeed. There really is no such thing as failure however, because it is the effort which counts, the desire to grow in our own empowerment and become more evolved spiritual beings. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. What is the point of free will if it contains limitations?

So I move forth, forgiving myself when I feel I have fallen, and congratulating myself on my creations whether they are expected or not. I allow myself to be confused and to not understand, because I realize that there are certain things which can only be known to the soul and I trust in this secret knowledge within. I do my best to allow the love in my heart to grow, the key to my empowerment, but understand that perfection is not the goal but the path is the journey, the creation. For it is never the destination which God resides, but every moment of creation from now until infinity. An endless stream of loving creation which is God.

I know that I am recovering. I can feel it in my bones, and my muscles, and in my heart. I can see it in my improvements day to day, connecting to my back extensors, standing up straight, sitting with more confidence and seeing the small improvements in various exercises. As time passes by I can tell that recovery is speeding up and I know that one day all of the strength I feel will come together in a remarkably functional way. I must continue to know that this is my destiny and not allow the fear which tells me I am not capable, I am not good enough to overcome me. I must never give up on myself.

colinem22@gmail.com

I am sorry to all those who may be wondering where I have been. For some reason these days it's hard for me to sit down and write. I have been much more inclined to open up the file to my private journal and let loose all of the emotions which lay bottled up inside of me. When I was first injured I used to be incredibly open and honest in my blog but slowly over time I became more and more private. Maybe in the beginning I felt like I had no identity to protect. I had just broken my neck, paralyzing 90% of my body, and everything which I thought I was, disappeared. Therefore I felt free to discuss anything and everything because none of it was really me, it was just a dream, a dream I felt the need to share.

There is much more going on in my life than simply paralysis. The paralysis certainly magnifies everything else and unfortunately adds whole new elements of fear to all aspects of my life. More than anything I'm tired of being afraid. I am currently reading the book, "Conversations with God". I have only just begun and I'm finding I have to read each section at least two or three times to get a grasp of what is being said. The beginning is highly philosophical but very powerful and the words resonate strongly with me. It is said in the book that the only two emotions which exist are love and fear. Neither can be known without the other's existence. In order to know what love is, we have to experience fear. In order to know what fear is, we must experience love. Therefore, I'm wondering if I possibly have a better chance of truly knowing love because of all the fear I seem to experience.

Now even though I talk about being afraid a great deal, I feel like I also contain a great amount of courage. I am what I call a courageous coward, someone who is utterly afraid but refuses to back down in the face of fear. Sometimes it can be a great flaw in my persona and other times a wonderful attribute. I may have been wrong to face fear the day I stood on top of that rock and looked down at the murky water below. My mind and my heart constantly reminded me of the dangers in front of me but all I conceived was a fear that needed to be conquered. So I took three powerful steps, jumped from the rocky surface, plunging into the water below and breaking my neck.

I sometimes wonder if I will be dealing with fear for the rest of my life, and the answer is probably yes. I'm realizing that life is never truly the utopia we always think it should be. Life is not fair, it is not meant to be fair. If life was fair everything which we expected to occur and everything which we wanted would come true. What kind of experience would that be? Certainly not one where any type of growth would occur.

I feel as if I'm currently in a phase of my life where I have a great many desires but as of right now it seems as if these desires are not meant to come true. I continue to feel myself growing older and watching time pass by and I'm constantly reminded of how different my life is than what I expected it to be. In so many ways I feel blessed to have experienced what I've gone through, because it has opened my eyes to many great mysteries of life. It's been kind of a spiritual crash course, forcing me to dive into the great unknown. I was always a questioning personality but I have to honestly say that I would not have sought out the great questions of the universe with such tenacity if this had not happened to me.

My recovery is actually going very well lately. I've had to change my outlook somewhat and focus on all the positive changes rather than the missing parts of the puzzle. Both myself and my family went into this journey with the idea that miraculous recovery was going to occur. I found myself waking up each morning being extremely disappointed that I was not jumping out of the bed. I've gone through some difficult acceptance issues lately, realizing that this may take much longer than I originally thought. This period of acceptance has also led me to think about what I'm currently doing in life, where I am going, and am I making the correct decisions? This is when a lot of fear enters the picture as I question whether or not I am following the correct path and if I am hearing God correctly. I also wonder if I am hearing God but ignoring his guidance because sometimes the truth is hard to accept.

You would think that with all the positive things occurring with my recovery I would simply be happy and continue down whatever path is placed in front of me. However, this is not my personality and even when things are going well I tend to jump ahead to the next issue. It's a constant cycle of facing one fear after another never allowing myself to simply rest and be proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. I am never truly proud of myself really. I'm constantly questioning decisions I've made in the past and what decisions I will make in the future. I wish I could tell you that this whole experience has led me to a complete surrender of the present moment, where I neither resent the past or fear the future, but I cannot say that.

I am honestly in a state of confusion at the present moment. A great deal of time has passed since moving to Atlanta and even though I am a hundred times better off physically than I was two years ago, I am questioning whether or not it's time for a major change in my life. Since moving to Atlanta the whole experience has been a whirlwind, constantly going to therapy, driving to Austin, and in between feeling completely exhausted from the whole thing. Yet I find myself almost addicted to the process, never wanting to miss a therapy session, never wanting to stop attempting to move my legs and flex my muscles.

I would like to completely surrender. Understand that when the time is right I will receive the information I am meant to receive, and make the necessary decisions concerning my path. I would like to understand that life is a journey, every decision, every twist and turn containing meaning and purpose. I would like to understand that there is no right or wrong decisions in life, for every path we travel down contains love and the powerful presence of God. Free will can be a scary concept, the idea that we are in control. I would like to be in control hoping that I can grasp the desires I wish to receive but at the same time I am terrified not wanting to make a mistake and lose that which I reach for. What I fail to understand is that life is a team effort between God and myself, and every decision I make, every action I perform contains great beauty. Whether in success or failure, it all contains a magical quality and is surrounded by the ever lasting presence of love.

I read somewhere that God has no expectations of us. This is quite a liberating thought because so often I beat up on myself wishing that I had more courage or was more accepting of my life and its circumstances. I think about what God would wish me to do and how God would wish me to behave, but now I'm beginning to think that maybe God is just along for the ride with the rest of us.

It is my goal to be walking in a walker on some level by October. I truly believe I can accomplish this feat. My arms are slowly beginning to coordinate with my trunk muscles. My back extensors are kicking in all along my spine but become weaker when it reaches the pelvic area. My muscles are not firing in the miraculous way I had hoped but slowly but surely they are getting stronger and coordinating in the manner that I would like them to.

My recovery is a strange mystery at times. I am gaining muscle all over my body and I always tell people that I am not as strong as I look. If you look at me you see a strong healthy young man who looks as if he could just stand up and walk around. This is not the case however, and I still struggle to do simple functional activities. But I truly believe that all that will change one day. Unfortunately I can no longer admit to say when it will happen. So I will continue to focus on my many blessings and have faith that no matter what I do or where I go, I am loved by God more than I can imagine and there will always be great purpose in my life no matter what I do.

I listen to the rattling of metal and the rubber tires cruising along the interstate at 70 mph. I am run down and tired after another long week of healing with Francis. It was extraordinary as usual and Francis was full of praise for my recovery. "Your absorbing tons of energy Colin!", he exclaimed with his infectious Scottish accent. "Just be patient Colin, you will walk again." The gleam in his eyes and the soft, confident tone in his voice brings me peace and I believe in what he says.

Suddenly I feel the awful feeling of my bladder shouting at me, as it contracts violently and chills run up and down my spine. My fingers tighten up in a vise grip and my back muscles fire with a strong spasm. I grow cold and hot at the same time and my vision grows slightly hazy. "Not again", I think. For moment I try and overcome it but it is no use. "Dad, time for another pitstop."

At that moment the frustration we were both feeling came to the surface. How many times must we come to see Francis? How long is this going to take? When is life going to be just a little bit easier? If only I can move my legs just a little bit, maybe my bladder would function better.

When I moved to Atlanta we all agreed that we would give it two years before making another major decision about the course of our lives. We have all maintained a great amount of faith, waking up each morning with diligence and determination to tackle another day. With trust in God's protection, we pack our suitcases and make the 15 hour drive to Austin, Texas simply because we know it is what we are meant to do. But the months pass, and time seems to be slipping between our fingertips. The two-year mark is lingering in the back of my mind and even though it is still six months away I cannot help but notice how quickly a year and a half has gone by.

A couple days later, after the meltdown on the way home, I began to collect myself and remembered some key points Francis told me. I don't always realize it at the time, but there is usually something Francis tells me which sticks and brings me comfort. This time I remember him saying, "Don't ever give up. Persistence and determination are two of the best qualities one can possess." He also told me to wake up each day and focus on how much more I can feel. He told me to make it a goal each day to feel a little bit more. When I do this, I am actually able to tell that I do have more sensation and awareness of my body each day. He also told me to constantly move my legs and don't stop even when I get tired. Remembering these pieces of advice, I doubled my efforts over the past two weeks. I've been coming home from therapy, resting a bit, then working out some more. In the past, I would never have the energy for this.

I bought my father a workout series over Christmas called P90X, maybe you have seen the infomercials. Even though I cannot physically accomplish the workouts, I do several of them sitting in my wheelchair. My favorite has been KenpoX, a form of karate. I punch, I block, I kick, all from my wheelchair. I watch their movements, and visualize myself doing it with perfect form. I can feel my core tightening up and my legs begin to burn. My heart rate increases, my breathing quickens, and I can literally feel my entire body attempting to come alive.

The entire series of workouts has been an inspiration to me. It is an intense boot camp style workout designed to get you in peak physical condition in 90 days. I envision myself reaching that strata of physical accomplishment because I cannot help but dream of accomplishing my goals with absolute perfection. I do not think it is a fault to dream big because I know I am an invincible spirit capable of creating magnificent things in my life. Why cut myself short? "Do your best and forget the rest", says Tony Horton, creator of P90x.

The frustration I am feeling has led me to reevaluate where I am and where I am going. I still have a great amount of faith that I will be walking again one day but I'm afraid that it may take a lot longer than I once thought. I have always envisioned a miraculous recovery occurring over these two years in Atlanta. I thought for sure I would at least be standing by now and yet the reality is, I have made very little functional improvement. Not to downplay the improvement I have made, because I have made some tremendous improvement, but my expectations are much higher.

It is hard to understand at times but I can't help but notice the tremendous energy I feel flowing through my body. It's as if an energetic imprint is being created throughout my aura, I am just waiting for the day it spreads into the physical body. I put a lot of pressure on myself at times wondering what I must do to speed up the process. My life has very little balance at the moment and I spend most of my time trying to recover on some level, whether it is working out, meditating on my recovery, or diving into my subconscious trying to let go of any hangups I may have.

More than anything right now, I feel a desire to completely let go and simply live in the moment. I wish to have complete faith in who I am, unafraid of whether or not I will do the right thing. Sometimes I look back on my life and I wonder how much was meant to be and how much was under my control? It is a question that I will never truly have the answer to. I constantly find myself pulled in two different directions, wanting to control my life and wanting to let go and surrender.

I am currently focusing and learning on how to drop into my heart space. I visualize my concentrated energy dropping away from my mind and into my heart. As I expand my lungs I feel my heart also expanding outwards into the universe. It is gradual at first and slowly expands to every bit of creation which is in existence. When I accomplish this task, I discover a wonderful forgiveness for myself and a love for who I am. As I forgive and have compassion for myself I suddenly feel a love and compassion for everyone else. I am no longer judging anyone or resenting others' actions, because I cannot know another's path and purpose. Who am I to judge?

It is not comforting to be pulled into different directions. I believe it is much more rewarding and of higher spiritual consciousness to simply let go, surrender, and love. For love is the basis of all creation and through complete surrender to love and service, I can have complete faith that my path will unfold as it is meant to. There is no need to analyze and think myself into oblivion, trying to understand what I must do. All I must do is fall into my heart, feel it expand throughout the universe and love. The task is not always easy and I repeatedly feel myself falling back into my mind, but I lovingly remind myself to go back to the heart.

I wish it was natural to be happy. I wish it was natural to be courageous and to live completely in the moment. I wish it was natural to have faith that God has a plan. I wish it was natural to accept everything that happens to us and to forgive ourselves immediately when we do not act according to our expectations. I wish it was natural to not even have expectations of ourselves.

Instead it is natural to be uncomfortable and frustrated. It is natural to be afraid and to live in the past and the future. It is natural to doubt that life has purpose and there is always a reason for everything. It is natural to fight the natural flow of our lives and to beat up on ourselves when things don't go the way we expect. It is natural to have huge expectations of ourselves.

This is why life is so hard. Because we have come down to this planet to try and achieve everything which is not natural to being human, but natural for the human spirit. The spirit lives completely in the moment and contains no fear. The spirit understands the oneness of all creation and knows that the essence of God is everywhere. The spirit flows naturally with the patterns of life never doubting the ups or the downs, simply existing, absorbing, experiencing, growing.

Forgive me for it has been an unbelievably long time since I've written an update. I previously told my readers that I was attempting to write a book. Initially I made very good headway and out of all the projects I started, this one went the furthest. I initially started at the beginning and then got stuck, so I jumped ahead to a moment of my life that I was thinking about a lot. As I dove into this moment I found myself completely reliving it as I wrote. All the emotions came to the surface and I literally felt like I had gone back in time. Foolishly, after I finished writing this particular phase of my life I took a break. That break has now lasted to this day.

The month of December has been a difficult one. I came back to Atlanta after another visit to Francis the healer about a month ago. It was the most powerful session of healings that I've ever had. I felt as if there was a glowing aura of white light around me and I felt deeply at peace. A week or so later I began to notice significant physical improvements. The stability of my trunk was especially noticeable and I could visually and physically tell huge differences while standing. From the waist up my spine began to become more and more erect.

Two therapists with a good deal of effort help me take steps in the pool. As I take the steps the motion is becoming more and more natural to me and it seems there are visual signs that my legs have strength in them. It is especially noticeable when trying to drive each knee up in what's called the swing phase of the step.

I found myself going to bed each night fully aware that major recovery was taking place and waking up each morning feeling a little bit stronger than the day before. This was all very exciting but as my physical recovery seemed to be improving my spiritual peace and emotional centeredness was dissipating. I was feeling anger, sadness and bitterness coming to the surface. Various emotions and memories which I thought I was over were coming back to haunt me and in the midst of physical improvements I was struggling mentally.

For awhile I found myself completely giving in. All I wanted to do was numb myself from the pain. Then one day I had enough and I decided to face myself. I began to journal constantly. Two sometimes three times a day, I sat in front of my computer and wrote down my personal thoughts and slowly but surely I came to many conclusions. I discovered my own personal power to be aware of my reality and discovered that I actually have many answers to the questions which haunt me. I discovered that there are many things about my life which I can know to be true but there are also many things about my life for which I just don't have the answer. I must be aware of my own personal power while also being aware that there are limitations, and sometimes truth can be mistaken for the storyteller of the mind.

Facing myself and facing these demons has been painful work. I actually found myself becoming nervous before sitting down to write down my personal thoughts, but as they come out of me, answers follow, and I discover a space of peace. As I peel away the layers and discover peace, I find it all leading to one thing, surrender. Surrender is a powerful act, something that is very difficult to accept. So often I feel like I must be in control of my life, and if I let go of this control, somehow my world will come crashing down. I believe surrender will allow nothing I dream of to ever come true. In these moments I remind myself that I must let go of the life let go of the life I have planned for myself and make room for the life I am destined to live.

Life is about our own personal power there for our discovery which can lead to glorious manifestations. However creation must coincide with the doors of opportunity all around us. Unfortunately there will not always be a door available for our desires, no matter how strong that desire may be. Therefore it is important to be aware of all the blessings which are around us and create life in harmony with these blessings. This is what surrender and co-creation with God is all about. So often our desires are so strong that we are blinded by it. We fumble around in the dark searching for a door knob which doesn't exist, desperately trying to open a door which will not open, all the while completely unaware of all the other doors waiting to be found, if only we would turn around and look.

I think blogging has also been difficult for me because I find the things I'm going through very personal. It's not always easy to come out publicly and state my struggles. When I write however, it is very difficult to hold back my honesty. I think writing my book has also been difficult because I am in the middle of trying to accept and let go of my past while looking towards the future with faith and courage, and living in the here and now. I have realized that writing is and will be a big part of my life. We are each given a gift in life and we are meant to use those gifts to serve others. It would not be right of me to deny the gift God has given me.

Creation always happens here and now, in the moment. I've realized that the opportunity to create so often slips away. For myself it is important that when I discover inspiration to write something, I must not procrastinate, and allow that chance to create something special slip away. I hope that I have the strength to be aware when an opportunity of creation is at my fingertips. I hope I have this awareness not only in writing but in every aspect of my life. I want to have the faith and courage to push past fear and create my life with the opportunities God gives me. For I know that God is constantly giving each and every one of us opportunities to create and fulfill our destiny. If only we would stop fumbling around in the dark and open our eyes to the life we were meant to live.

When I am lucky enough to have these moments of spiritual growth and insight, I further realize how connected my recovery is to all aspects of my being. The entire experience of this injury has been like a crash course for my spirit. There's no doubt that the primary purpose of life is to face that which we are afraid of, and there's nothing more scary than ourselves. This injury and all the healing I am going through has made me face myself and all the demons within. I should consider myself lucky for being given this opportunity in such a small space of time. Life is really a rare opportunity, a blessing given to us so that we may grow closer to God. The experience of life is actually a small window of experience in comparison to the infinite time of our spiritual existence. Life doesn't seem like such a burden when thought of in this light.